Its anywhere between 2am to 4am when my 5 year old will come racing (more like Hulk smashing) down the hall, pushes through the door (slamming it against the wall and then shut again) and up to my bed to announce (very loudly) that she has had a nightmare. Then the negotiations start.
C: Can I sleep with you?
Me: No, why don't you try (names off a million different, amazing ideas. Well, amazing for 2-4am).
C: Nope, those wont work. I need to sleep with you.
Me: Fine. OR Hubby: NO! I will tuck you back in.
This happens almost every other night. At this point, I'm not even sure she has that many nightmares. Its possible that she just wakes up in the middle of the night and that is her excuse, but I never know and don't want to downplay her fears.
I feel like we have tried everything! A night light, music, Greek Eye necklace that chases away bad dreams (not kidding), a dream catcher, another night light that puts stars on her ceiling, we have sprayed for monsters (Lavender frebreeze in a different bottle) and we have talked about the good dreams she will have before she goes to sleep. We even had a crib mattress in our room that she could sleep on if she was really scared, but that became a crutch that she used almost every night. Then in the morning, we would accidentally wake her up while getting ready for our days. She is an incredibly light sleeper and has a really hard time falling asleep. So, we let her get up with us, but that results in a very grumpy and tired girl the rest of the day.
I have an incredibly active mind, an overactive imagination and often have problems falling asleep. I also remember having nightmares as a kid and lets face it, I sometimes still have pretty vivid ones.
So, we know where she gets it from. What we don't know is how to help her feel secure enough to self sooth and not wake the entire house up with the late night marching band theatrics.
As a child, I very rarely woke my parents up after a nightmare. I had my nightlight, my mountain of stuffed animals and a system. I would put my back against the wall, make a barrier around me with my animals, pull the covers up to my chin and day dream about whatever came to mind. I always kept my door closed, so if I were to drift off and anything tried to come in to get me, I would hear it.
With C, this system doesn't seem to work. She needs to be close to another human. So, after years of this unwanted 2am wake up call, I am moving on to "drastic measures".
Right now, my oldest H (8) and my youngest R (3) share a room while C (5) has her own room. However, H is getting to that age where she really needs her own space and, to help with C's nightmares, I think its time C and R share a room. This is a big project though and will take time to switch around. So, in the mean time I am going to put the spare mattress on the floor in H and R's room, put a brighter nightlight in the girls' bathroom, maybe try C's door closed instead of opened and try to develop a routine with C. Instead of running into our room, take a huge breath, go potty and then come tell Mommy about it. If our talk doesn't help, then go sleep in H and R's room.
Ultimately, I want C to grow out of her nightmares and be able to sleep through the night without a crutch, but she is still little. There is plenty of time for her to grow up, why rush her now?
Night time wake ups aren't always bad, sometimes the extra snuggles are good for both of us Its the smacks in the face that I could live without, but even those will pass.
Let them be little.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Project Victoria: February and My Valentine
Gross, I hate Valentine's Day! Even calling my husband My Valentine grosses me out, but lets face it, in February everyone is obsessed with Valentine's Day. Either they hate it or they love it, but either way they are talking about it.
In the Happiness Project, Gretchen chose to make her month about marriage. I also followed her in the subject because, as much as I dislike the holiday, it would be nice to get over my issues and show a little to love to the ones that love me most. After all, Commandment #12 states There is only love.
I started by talking to My husband, K, about this month and what things he would like to see change. As any good husband would do, he lied and told me that I was an amazing wife that took very good care of him and wouldn't change a single thing about me. Awh, he knows me too well!
Apparently, I was on my own with this one. So, instead of bugging him to death, I looked to myself.
OPRAH MOMENT!
Goal #1 for February: Don't Expect praise or appreciation. Do things for me and because I want them. Not to get a gold star or praise from someone else. It will disappoint you 9 times out of 10 and you will only grow to resent them for YOU not feeling appreciated.
2) No Dumping: Look to yourself first. Is this an insecurity or fear? If so, call a friend. People will often turn to women for understanding instead of men. Women are better at it. Develop your relationships with your female friends to give your husband a break from your insecurities, random problems and fears. Don't get me wrong, my husband is my rock and often sees a solution that I had not thought of. However, K is a very logical thinker and I am more emotional. Its not always fair for me to talk his ear off about small things when the answer normally lies in my own head. I just need to talk it out and my friends have much better ears (and patience) for things like that.
This leads me to #3, Love him just as he is. Like I said, K is a logical thinker and his way of thinking is very rarely mine. I sometimes get frustrated because its not how I would do it, but that's not fair. I can't change him, nor would I want to. So, I need to love him as he is and stop myself from saying something hurtful just because I happen to be frustrated at that moment.
After my Oprah Moment, a bigger picture hit me (I guess I could say I had another Ah Ha moment). Gretchen focused solely on her marriage for her February project, but I wanted more. I didn't just want to focus on my marriage. I wanted to open that up to all my loved ones.
So, my February Victoria Project is Love AND Marriage.
1) Don't expect praise and appreciation - Do things for others because you want to, not to get a gold star. (even thought I LOVE gold stars)
2) Fight right - is this really worth discussing? Is it productive?
3) No dumping
4) Give proofs of love - Be generous. Show them you care, don't just tell them. Actions speak louder then words.
5) Love them just as they are - who are you to judge? They are in your life for a reason.
6) Don't complain to others about your loved ones (especially your husband) - Venting to your best friend to talk something out is one thing, but to complain to others about your loved ones is wrong. Its petty and counterproductive.
7) Remember important dates and celebrate them - Show up! Its not enough to think about them on their special day. Reach out! A phone call or text is better then nothing.
8) Get rid of the Negative Nancys
Along with all of these new goals, I will try my very best to keep up with all of my January goals. This is a lifestyle change after all, not just something that I do every once in a while.
Bring on the love!
In the Happiness Project, Gretchen chose to make her month about marriage. I also followed her in the subject because, as much as I dislike the holiday, it would be nice to get over my issues and show a little to love to the ones that love me most. After all, Commandment #12 states There is only love.
I started by talking to My husband, K, about this month and what things he would like to see change. As any good husband would do, he lied and told me that I was an amazing wife that took very good care of him and wouldn't change a single thing about me. Awh, he knows me too well!
Apparently, I was on my own with this one. So, instead of bugging him to death, I looked to myself.
OPRAH MOMENT!
Goal #1 for February: Don't Expect praise or appreciation. Do things for me and because I want them. Not to get a gold star or praise from someone else. It will disappoint you 9 times out of 10 and you will only grow to resent them for YOU not feeling appreciated.
2) No Dumping: Look to yourself first. Is this an insecurity or fear? If so, call a friend. People will often turn to women for understanding instead of men. Women are better at it. Develop your relationships with your female friends to give your husband a break from your insecurities, random problems and fears. Don't get me wrong, my husband is my rock and often sees a solution that I had not thought of. However, K is a very logical thinker and I am more emotional. Its not always fair for me to talk his ear off about small things when the answer normally lies in my own head. I just need to talk it out and my friends have much better ears (and patience) for things like that.
This leads me to #3, Love him just as he is. Like I said, K is a logical thinker and his way of thinking is very rarely mine. I sometimes get frustrated because its not how I would do it, but that's not fair. I can't change him, nor would I want to. So, I need to love him as he is and stop myself from saying something hurtful just because I happen to be frustrated at that moment.
After my Oprah Moment, a bigger picture hit me (I guess I could say I had another Ah Ha moment). Gretchen focused solely on her marriage for her February project, but I wanted more. I didn't just want to focus on my marriage. I wanted to open that up to all my loved ones.
So, my February Victoria Project is Love AND Marriage.
1) Don't expect praise and appreciation - Do things for others because you want to, not to get a gold star. (even thought I LOVE gold stars)
2) Fight right - is this really worth discussing? Is it productive?
3) No dumping
4) Give proofs of love - Be generous. Show them you care, don't just tell them. Actions speak louder then words.
5) Love them just as they are - who are you to judge? They are in your life for a reason.
6) Don't complain to others about your loved ones (especially your husband) - Venting to your best friend to talk something out is one thing, but to complain to others about your loved ones is wrong. Its petty and counterproductive.
7) Remember important dates and celebrate them - Show up! Its not enough to think about them on their special day. Reach out! A phone call or text is better then nothing.
8) Get rid of the Negative Nancys
Along with all of these new goals, I will try my very best to keep up with all of my January goals. This is a lifestyle change after all, not just something that I do every once in a while.
Bring on the love!
Monday, February 2, 2015
Project Victoria: January's results
I'm still struggling with a name. The most obvious choice is The Victoria Project, but I'm still not sure that is the one. Maybe Project Victoria... Oh well, if the name is the hardest part about this whole thing then I think I am doing pretty well. (Its month one, check back with me at month 6)
In January I added another Secret to Adulthood, Music makes everything better. I have always known that, but never really voiced it. I have found that I get so much more done and am in such a good mood any time I listen to music. I also learned that I REALLY like Do Whop (don't judge). I know a lot of the songs, they make me feel energetic, there are no "bad" words or "tough" situations that I have to explain to my kids and (the most important thing) I can dance to most of the songs! Talk about your mood changer. Just try to be in a bad mood and listen to Do Whop, I bet you cant do it (unless you hate Do Whop).
As for the rest of my goals for January, I learned a lot of things about me through them as well.
First off, getting up at 5am SUCKS!!!! I can't do it, I tried and tried, but since my house isn't exactly hopping that early in the morning, I got my morning program done and still had time to spare. In my case that isn't always a good thing. Lets face it, there is only so much you can do in the morning while your kids are still sleeping. So I started to find myself on the couch catching up on shows and then once my kids got up it was chaos as usual. Then, after they were off to school it was hard for me not to land back on the couch or to goof around on Facebook. So, I changed my expectations and found a happy medium. Now, my wake up time varies on what the day holds. I normally get up when my husband gets up, make him breakfast and get him out the door. Then I focus on my kitchen and laundry until the girls are up. After that, its a blur until H gets on the bus and C, R and I head to their school or the gym. I have found that, if I start the day off going steady, I can finish the day going steady and might even have a little time in the afternoon to complete a project or catch up on shows.
While getting up early was difficult at the beginning, going to bed on time was not. I was so worn out at night that I practically passed out as my head hit the pillow. I wasn't used to my workout regiment, the early wake up calls were brutal and my "energetic self" was so energetic during the day that I definitely looked forward to bed time every night.
Once I got used to everything (probably by the 2nd week) it was a lot easier to stay up and spend that extra time with my husband, but then I wasn't getting enough sleep. It was and still is a balancing act. The weekends I still struggle with, but most days I can talk myself into going to bed tired or not.
Eating better, drinking more water, watching my steps, acting more energetic and exercising better were all a HUGE success in my book! I think having other things to focus on besides just the scale has really helped me. I feel more confident in my body and while the process is slow, I know I will get there and I'm even learning to love myself as I am now. Apparently, it wasn't my body I really needed to change, it was my journey and the reason I was on it to begin with. Being happy is much better then being "skinny". Now, I just want to be healthy, fit and happy.
I am also happy to report that I am seeing a change! I took beginning and end of January pictures and I can really see a difference. I only lost about 2 pounds, but I'm OK with that. Loving the NSVs!
As far as tossing, restoring and organizing goes, my house is still not a clutter free zone, but I am on my way! I tackle a big, nagging task every week, pick up throughout the day and do a little every day so I can enjoy the weekends with my family and friends.
The one thing that I haven't been so great at is stretching. I thought I wanted to be one of those people that got up every morning and stretched, but turns out that isn't for me. I get out of bed and want coffee, I don't want to stretch. Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! So, I settled for stretching before and after workouts and any time I felt stressed or sore. It seemed to work out OK for me and the best part about it is I don't have to feel guilty because I don't like stretching in the morning. Its just not me. Who knew?
A couple of unexpected, amazing things happened this month as well.
Several of my close friends had been contacting me to hang out more. At first, I wasn't sure I would have time with all of my Project V stuff. I had a month dedicated to spending more time with loved ones and this month was supposed to be about my energy. However, in the end I decided that my friends were more important to me. Why would I wait? If I don't take the time now, who says they will be around then?
I also got an invite to join a bible study once a week and to try a new church. Again, I had a dedicated month to focus on my relationship (and my children's) with God. I didn't want to add even more to my plate and lose focus on my goals this month. Some how, everything worked out perfectly and the Bible Study ended up being AT THE GYM and on my rest/catch up day. How cool is that?
Taking the time to let in both of these unforeseen things gave me something I never expected, more energy. In spending time with my friends, gaining new ones and spending a little more time with my spiritual side I noticed that I woke up each morning happier and more energetic.
My last unexpected win was that I started thinking about my career of choice when my girls are all in school. Thats my major goal during this project and I really didn't think I would want to start thinking about it until later this year. It has been a huge source of stress for me and I wanted to tuck it away somewhere in the dark until I forced myself to deal with it. What I found was (simply put), I didn't need to do that. By unveiling a part of me that has been absent for so long (my energy), I was able to start putting the pieces together of what I want to be and who I really am.
Its all still a puzzle, but the border pieces are starting to come together and I can't wait to see what the big picture will be!
Bring on February!
In January I added another Secret to Adulthood, Music makes everything better. I have always known that, but never really voiced it. I have found that I get so much more done and am in such a good mood any time I listen to music. I also learned that I REALLY like Do Whop (don't judge). I know a lot of the songs, they make me feel energetic, there are no "bad" words or "tough" situations that I have to explain to my kids and (the most important thing) I can dance to most of the songs! Talk about your mood changer. Just try to be in a bad mood and listen to Do Whop, I bet you cant do it (unless you hate Do Whop).
As for the rest of my goals for January, I learned a lot of things about me through them as well.
First off, getting up at 5am SUCKS!!!! I can't do it, I tried and tried, but since my house isn't exactly hopping that early in the morning, I got my morning program done and still had time to spare. In my case that isn't always a good thing. Lets face it, there is only so much you can do in the morning while your kids are still sleeping. So I started to find myself on the couch catching up on shows and then once my kids got up it was chaos as usual. Then, after they were off to school it was hard for me not to land back on the couch or to goof around on Facebook. So, I changed my expectations and found a happy medium. Now, my wake up time varies on what the day holds. I normally get up when my husband gets up, make him breakfast and get him out the door. Then I focus on my kitchen and laundry until the girls are up. After that, its a blur until H gets on the bus and C, R and I head to their school or the gym. I have found that, if I start the day off going steady, I can finish the day going steady and might even have a little time in the afternoon to complete a project or catch up on shows.
While getting up early was difficult at the beginning, going to bed on time was not. I was so worn out at night that I practically passed out as my head hit the pillow. I wasn't used to my workout regiment, the early wake up calls were brutal and my "energetic self" was so energetic during the day that I definitely looked forward to bed time every night.
Once I got used to everything (probably by the 2nd week) it was a lot easier to stay up and spend that extra time with my husband, but then I wasn't getting enough sleep. It was and still is a balancing act. The weekends I still struggle with, but most days I can talk myself into going to bed tired or not.
Eating better, drinking more water, watching my steps, acting more energetic and exercising better were all a HUGE success in my book! I think having other things to focus on besides just the scale has really helped me. I feel more confident in my body and while the process is slow, I know I will get there and I'm even learning to love myself as I am now. Apparently, it wasn't my body I really needed to change, it was my journey and the reason I was on it to begin with. Being happy is much better then being "skinny". Now, I just want to be healthy, fit and happy.
I am also happy to report that I am seeing a change! I took beginning and end of January pictures and I can really see a difference. I only lost about 2 pounds, but I'm OK with that. Loving the NSVs!
As far as tossing, restoring and organizing goes, my house is still not a clutter free zone, but I am on my way! I tackle a big, nagging task every week, pick up throughout the day and do a little every day so I can enjoy the weekends with my family and friends.
The one thing that I haven't been so great at is stretching. I thought I wanted to be one of those people that got up every morning and stretched, but turns out that isn't for me. I get out of bed and want coffee, I don't want to stretch. Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! So, I settled for stretching before and after workouts and any time I felt stressed or sore. It seemed to work out OK for me and the best part about it is I don't have to feel guilty because I don't like stretching in the morning. Its just not me. Who knew?
A couple of unexpected, amazing things happened this month as well.
Several of my close friends had been contacting me to hang out more. At first, I wasn't sure I would have time with all of my Project V stuff. I had a month dedicated to spending more time with loved ones and this month was supposed to be about my energy. However, in the end I decided that my friends were more important to me. Why would I wait? If I don't take the time now, who says they will be around then?
I also got an invite to join a bible study once a week and to try a new church. Again, I had a dedicated month to focus on my relationship (and my children's) with God. I didn't want to add even more to my plate and lose focus on my goals this month. Some how, everything worked out perfectly and the Bible Study ended up being AT THE GYM and on my rest/catch up day. How cool is that?
Taking the time to let in both of these unforeseen things gave me something I never expected, more energy. In spending time with my friends, gaining new ones and spending a little more time with my spiritual side I noticed that I woke up each morning happier and more energetic.
My last unexpected win was that I started thinking about my career of choice when my girls are all in school. Thats my major goal during this project and I really didn't think I would want to start thinking about it until later this year. It has been a huge source of stress for me and I wanted to tuck it away somewhere in the dark until I forced myself to deal with it. What I found was (simply put), I didn't need to do that. By unveiling a part of me that has been absent for so long (my energy), I was able to start putting the pieces together of what I want to be and who I really am.
Its all still a puzzle, but the border pieces are starting to come together and I can't wait to see what the big picture will be!
Bring on February!
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
What I want Before I'm Done: The alomst 7 year old bucket list that still rings true today.
Today, as I was randomly scrolling through Facebook I found a post about Household planners and thought to myself, "What a brilliant idea! Why hadn't I thought of that!"
So, being the list loving, office supply obsessed person that I am, I immediately jumped into this project.However, what I found in the process was a me that I thought I lost a long time ago.
I made a plan on what my household planner would entail and got to work. I pulled out my tote of office supplies from the basement (yup, I'm that in love), I went to my closet and dusted off my old paperwork divider with the notion of making it something else and I dug through my desk to get all of that stuff tucked away neat and tidy. I started to tackle a little bit of several nagging tasks that are on one of my many lists. It fell really good to get started on these things, but all of a sudden, my progress was stopped dead. The old paper divider that I dragged out of my closet was like a time capsule I hadn't touched since 2009. It held everything from 2008 to 2009. Bills and statements to funny post cards from my best friends' college days and every kind of greeting card you can think of. That year was my "growing up" year.
When my oldest daughter was born in May of 2007, I started noticing things in her father's and my relationship that I hadnt noticed before. It was then that I decided our lives need to change. I needed to grow up and being with him was not only keeping me from that, it was also showing my daughter that it was exceptable to put up with all that I did. So, after her first birthday I started making preparations to move out and a few months later we did just that. I was free! I was reborn and not about to waste my second chance for me and my daughter.
I had a plan and here is the list I came up with to do just that.
What I want before I'm done
Travel
Learn to shoot a gun
Learn to shoot a bow
Bow Fish
Go hunting
Teach my daughter EVERYTHING I know
Drive a stick
Drive a motorcycle
Get married
Have a family
Buy a house
Help people - families, strangers, kids
Finish school
Depend on me and only me
Be a better Christian
Read more
Learn different languages
Get more involved in the community and school
Get invovled in a good caouse
Just be involved
Be happy with just me
Fall in love, I mean really in love
Take dance lessons
Dance regularly
Almost 7 years later, I have crossed a bunch of things off of that list.
I met the love of my life and yes we are really in love. Together we bought a house, had a family, traveled a little (and will continue to) and are in the process of teaching our daughters everything we know. I dance all the time, I don't care who is watching. I get as involved in school things and community events as I can and plan to get even more involved as my girls get older. I'm working on being a better Christian, getting involved and helping others, but I think those things will never really be crossed of my list. Can you ever really do enough of that?
There is still a lot still left undone though. One major thing that sticks out more then the others is "to be happy with just me". How can I have come so far in so many ways, but still struggle with something like that?
This year is my year, this year its going to happen. I'm finally going to be able to look at this list and cross off some of these things that I was too afraid to cross off before.
I'm finally going to be able to say, I love me just as I am and I don't care if anyone doesn't agree!
So, being the list loving, office supply obsessed person that I am, I immediately jumped into this project.However, what I found in the process was a me that I thought I lost a long time ago.
I made a plan on what my household planner would entail and got to work. I pulled out my tote of office supplies from the basement (yup, I'm that in love), I went to my closet and dusted off my old paperwork divider with the notion of making it something else and I dug through my desk to get all of that stuff tucked away neat and tidy. I started to tackle a little bit of several nagging tasks that are on one of my many lists. It fell really good to get started on these things, but all of a sudden, my progress was stopped dead. The old paper divider that I dragged out of my closet was like a time capsule I hadn't touched since 2009. It held everything from 2008 to 2009. Bills and statements to funny post cards from my best friends' college days and every kind of greeting card you can think of. That year was my "growing up" year.
When my oldest daughter was born in May of 2007, I started noticing things in her father's and my relationship that I hadnt noticed before. It was then that I decided our lives need to change. I needed to grow up and being with him was not only keeping me from that, it was also showing my daughter that it was exceptable to put up with all that I did. So, after her first birthday I started making preparations to move out and a few months later we did just that. I was free! I was reborn and not about to waste my second chance for me and my daughter.
I had a plan and here is the list I came up with to do just that.
What I want before I'm done
Travel
Learn to shoot a gun
Learn to shoot a bow
Bow Fish
Go hunting
Teach my daughter EVERYTHING I know
Drive a stick
Drive a motorcycle
Get married
Have a family
Buy a house
Help people - families, strangers, kids
Finish school
Depend on me and only me
Be a better Christian
Read more
Learn different languages
Get more involved in the community and school
Get invovled in a good caouse
Just be involved
Be happy with just me
Fall in love, I mean really in love
Take dance lessons
Dance regularly
Almost 7 years later, I have crossed a bunch of things off of that list.
I met the love of my life and yes we are really in love. Together we bought a house, had a family, traveled a little (and will continue to) and are in the process of teaching our daughters everything we know. I dance all the time, I don't care who is watching. I get as involved in school things and community events as I can and plan to get even more involved as my girls get older. I'm working on being a better Christian, getting involved and helping others, but I think those things will never really be crossed of my list. Can you ever really do enough of that?
There is still a lot still left undone though. One major thing that sticks out more then the others is "to be happy with just me". How can I have come so far in so many ways, but still struggle with something like that?
This year is my year, this year its going to happen. I'm finally going to be able to look at this list and cross off some of these things that I was too afraid to cross off before.
I'm finally going to be able to say, I love me just as I am and I don't care if anyone doesn't agree!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
My Happiness Project: The Basics and January
As most of you know, I recently read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and I am so very pleased to announce that I am ready to start my own Happiness Project.
To some, this may seem silly but to me its a chance to finally find what makes me, well, ME.
For most of my life it has been about making others happy or getting people's approval. I'm not sure I have ever really done anything just because it made me happy. In fact, even my weight lose journey started out because of a fear. What did the outside world see when they looked at me?
I remember telling my husband that I wanted to "be the whole package for him". I was already the Super Mom/50s housewife that I wanted to be, but I also wanted to be the Trophy Wife other people seemed to be. I thought that if I looked good on the outside, maybe I would finally feel OK on the inside.
Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. Each week that passed by on my journey just added more pressure to "look good" and see results. Don't get my wrong I have definitely seen results, but just not the way I was expecting to and when I wasn't seeing the results as fast as I liked, I became depressed. This got me thinking, Is this really making me happy? Am I truly doing any of this for me? Do I really want to spend anymore of my time feeling not good enough? Well, no I don't! You get one life and I'm not going to waste anymore of mine feeling like I owe the world anything.
After coming to that realization, I decided to not only turn my "weight lose journey" into a "getting fit journey", but also into an all around "lets find the real me amongst all the BS I have been choking down my entire life" journey. Hence the happiness project and my 2015 resolution to find a more happy, healthy me.
So, here it goes!
Per the book, I needed 12 commandments to live by and some "Secrets to Adulthood" to get me through the tough days. Some of these things I followed the book on, but others didn't apply to me so I changed them. I also added in two mini challenges for each month and one big challenge for the whole year.
Below are my commandments, my secrets to adulthood, my mini challenges, my challenge for the year and Januarys' goals. The rest I will update you on later.
To some, this may seem silly but to me its a chance to finally find what makes me, well, ME.
For most of my life it has been about making others happy or getting people's approval. I'm not sure I have ever really done anything just because it made me happy. In fact, even my weight lose journey started out because of a fear. What did the outside world see when they looked at me?
I remember telling my husband that I wanted to "be the whole package for him". I was already the Super Mom/50s housewife that I wanted to be, but I also wanted to be the Trophy Wife other people seemed to be. I thought that if I looked good on the outside, maybe I would finally feel OK on the inside.
Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. Each week that passed by on my journey just added more pressure to "look good" and see results. Don't get my wrong I have definitely seen results, but just not the way I was expecting to and when I wasn't seeing the results as fast as I liked, I became depressed. This got me thinking, Is this really making me happy? Am I truly doing any of this for me? Do I really want to spend anymore of my time feeling not good enough? Well, no I don't! You get one life and I'm not going to waste anymore of mine feeling like I owe the world anything.
After coming to that realization, I decided to not only turn my "weight lose journey" into a "getting fit journey", but also into an all around "lets find the real me amongst all the BS I have been choking down my entire life" journey. Hence the happiness project and my 2015 resolution to find a more happy, healthy me.
So, here it goes!
Per the book, I needed 12 commandments to live by and some "Secrets to Adulthood" to get me through the tough days. Some of these things I followed the book on, but others didn't apply to me so I changed them. I also added in two mini challenges for each month and one big challenge for the whole year.
Below are my commandments, my secrets to adulthood, my mini challenges, my challenge for the year and Januarys' goals. The rest I will update you on later.
Happiness Project
12 Commandments:
1) Be Victoria - I have a hard time remembering that, especially in crowds or around new people.
2) Let it go - Yup, kind of like in Frozen. Is it really worth hanging on to?
3) ABLE - My best friends' mom used to say this. Act it, Believe it, Live it, Express it.
4) Do what ought to be done - Don't put it off until the last minute. Just do it.
5) Be polite and fair
6) Enjoy to process - its not going to happen over night.
7) Identify the problem - I like to shut down when things get hard, but it just makes everything worse.
8) Be thankful - appreciate what you have and what you don't have
9) Look to God
10) Take the time - don't rush and do it half arsed
11) Lighten up - life is too short
12) There is only love
Secrets to Adulthood:
People don't notice mistakes as much as you think.
It's OK to ask for help.
Do good, feel good.
It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.
By doing a little bit each day, you can accomplish a lot.
If you can't find something, clean up.
What you do EVERYDAY matters more then what you do EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
If you're not failing you're not trying hard enough.
You don't have to be good at everything.
No deposit, no return.
Mini Challenges - Each month:
1) Try something new
2) Tackle a nagging task
Challenge for the Year:
1) When the kids are older, what career do I see myself in? - Start working towards that goal.
January: Energy (physical and mental)
1) Get up earlier
2) Stretch more
3) Eat better
4) Go to sleep earlier
5) Exercise
6) Toss, restore and organize
7) Work smart - pay attention how you spend your days
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
The Waltz also known as Life. My Life as a Grown Up.
Most days, I feel like a kid trapped in an adults body. I realize now that while I dreamed of growing up and the things I would do, I wasn't ready and most days, I'm still not.
I don't have a time machine, I can't go back, obviously. Nor do I think I really want to. While in my dream state, I have actually built a pretty great life for myself, even if I wasn't ready to live it.
I was scared, so I hid in my shell and put myself in autopilot until I could brave the big, wide world.
Now, the veil has been lifted and I am truly awake for the first time in too long. I'm ready to put myself back in the drivers seat of my own life and not be afraid to face the curves that are ahead.
I turned 28 this past month. Not quite 30, but definitely not 25 either. I realize now that I haven't had the conventional life. I have lived in a topsy turvy world that, until recently, wasn't in the "normal" order of things.
At 17 I felt grown up (boy do I laugh at that person now), agreed to marry a man at 18, moved in with him and had a baby all before turning 21. We never did get married or move forward in our life together. We just kind of sat there, stuck for a long time. Until one day, I realized that this wasn't the life I wanted. It wasn't what my daughter deserved and I needed to get out of that life as quickly as I could. It took me a year, but I did it. I took one step forward, only to move two steps back.
At 22, I took my 1 year old daughter, moved in with my parents and went back to work. During that year I also met my future husband (who I hated at first), went back to school and at 23 got pregnant with my second daughter. From there, K and I moved in together, had our baby, got engaged, found out we were pregnant again, got married, bought a house, had our third baby and moved to another city. All of this was in a 2 year span and the next 3 were almost as crazy. Two steps back and three steps forward again.
I have danced this dance for a long time, but until this year I had never really felt like an adult. Like I was in charge of my own life. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, never mind if it made me happy or not. Miraculously, the decisions I had made did, in fact, make me happy. I have an amazing husband/marriage and three beautiful kids, a family that loves me, a few close friends and a bright future ahead of me.
I did pretty good for being on autopilot for more then half of my 20s, my only regret is that I didn't have the courage to put myself in the driver's seat before. Where would I be with my fitness goals if I had started after the birth of my first child? Would I be in my dream profession already if I had stayed in school and gotten a degree? Who knows, what I do know is that this amazing, imperfect, blessed life that I have built is just going to get more wonderful as the years go on. I will take the wheel and venture down this road with both eyes on the horizon. I will no longer hide from the challenges that await me, because I am strong and I have finally found the best person to be in charge of my life. ME.
It may have taken me 28 years to finally feel like I am in control of my own life, but I'm here.
I'm ready to take charge and I'm (finally) proud of who I have become.
I'm all grown up.
I don't have a time machine, I can't go back, obviously. Nor do I think I really want to. While in my dream state, I have actually built a pretty great life for myself, even if I wasn't ready to live it.
I was scared, so I hid in my shell and put myself in autopilot until I could brave the big, wide world.
Now, the veil has been lifted and I am truly awake for the first time in too long. I'm ready to put myself back in the drivers seat of my own life and not be afraid to face the curves that are ahead.
I turned 28 this past month. Not quite 30, but definitely not 25 either. I realize now that I haven't had the conventional life. I have lived in a topsy turvy world that, until recently, wasn't in the "normal" order of things.
At 17 I felt grown up (boy do I laugh at that person now), agreed to marry a man at 18, moved in with him and had a baby all before turning 21. We never did get married or move forward in our life together. We just kind of sat there, stuck for a long time. Until one day, I realized that this wasn't the life I wanted. It wasn't what my daughter deserved and I needed to get out of that life as quickly as I could. It took me a year, but I did it. I took one step forward, only to move two steps back.
At 22, I took my 1 year old daughter, moved in with my parents and went back to work. During that year I also met my future husband (who I hated at first), went back to school and at 23 got pregnant with my second daughter. From there, K and I moved in together, had our baby, got engaged, found out we were pregnant again, got married, bought a house, had our third baby and moved to another city. All of this was in a 2 year span and the next 3 were almost as crazy. Two steps back and three steps forward again.
I have danced this dance for a long time, but until this year I had never really felt like an adult. Like I was in charge of my own life. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, never mind if it made me happy or not. Miraculously, the decisions I had made did, in fact, make me happy. I have an amazing husband/marriage and three beautiful kids, a family that loves me, a few close friends and a bright future ahead of me.
I did pretty good for being on autopilot for more then half of my 20s, my only regret is that I didn't have the courage to put myself in the driver's seat before. Where would I be with my fitness goals if I had started after the birth of my first child? Would I be in my dream profession already if I had stayed in school and gotten a degree? Who knows, what I do know is that this amazing, imperfect, blessed life that I have built is just going to get more wonderful as the years go on. I will take the wheel and venture down this road with both eyes on the horizon. I will no longer hide from the challenges that await me, because I am strong and I have finally found the best person to be in charge of my life. ME.
It may have taken me 28 years to finally feel like I am in control of my own life, but I'm here.
I'm ready to take charge and I'm (finally) proud of who I have become.
I'm all grown up.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Summer Schedule Shenanigans
Its officially Summer, wohoo!
I am one of those weird moms that actually enjoys having their kids home for the summer. I love all of the fun it brings, but it can also cause complete and total chaos in my house if I let it.
To keep my head from exploding, I needed a plan. Before school ended I managed to carve out some time, in between Teacher Appreciation Week and End of School parties/activities, to set up our summer. One thing is for sure, we definitely won't be bored!
The key with my kids is, if they are busy and active they will have less time to pick on each other or get into trouble. Being bored is the worst thing for my three girls (and my husband for that matter). When left to their own devices for too long, they tend to figure out new ways to drive Mommy slowly nuts. Or they want to "help" with activities definitely not fit for little people.
Once my 4 hour planning session was wrapped up, I had a complete wall (literally) of summer stuff sure to keep their busy hands and minds, well, busy. We have a Weekly Schedule, a Daily Schedule, a Chore Chart, lists of activities we want to do on a regular basis and another list for things we want to do at least once this summer. I also have Summer School stuff to keep their minds fresh.
There is a ton of stuff on Pinterest to help you organize everything and give you ideas to fill in any gaps. My main thing was keeping them happy and productive, but not always in need of my supervision. That way I could have breaks to work on some of the goals I set for myself this summer (plus the super popular cleaning/cooking that is still required).
Once I got the girls' stuff in order, it was time to figure out what I wanted out of this summer.
I would, of course, continue my journey to Donutism. This part was tough, how was I going to workout almost every day AND keep up with my fun theme days? I decided that I could do it all, I just needed to stick to my charts and if all else fails, I can complete a home workout video during nap/quiet time.
I also want to focus on getting my business stuff ready for my launch this fall. That means research all of my recipes, get them perfect, find a logo, make a website and a million other things. It gave me a headache to make this long list, but once it was completed and in front of me I felt a little better. I just need to take one step at a time. Nap/quiet time would serve as a good way to get this stuff done.
My blog and Mother's Group were other areas that needed my attention. Lately, I have felt guilty for not being more active, so those were other things to add to the list. If I can focus on writing/editing 3 times a week, I figured that was better then nothing. Better then I have been doing anyway!
I can't take it all too seriously though. If we miss part of our day because we found something else to keep us busy, its ok. Its all about having a fun, productive summer with my babies and accomplishing some things that are important to me. If my 4 year old doesn't learn to write her whole alphabet this summer, it wont be the end of the world. She will learn it in preschool, but as long as she is inspired to learn, we will try our best.
Family comes first, but I am learning to put my projects at a close second. If I take a little time for me each day, I have learned that I can enjoy my time with the girls more. I feel better and have more energy when I workout and when I write, I feel like my mind is suddenly less full of the "stuff" that can weigh me down emotionally.
They are only little once, I'm going to enjoy every moment of it!
I am one of those weird moms that actually enjoys having their kids home for the summer. I love all of the fun it brings, but it can also cause complete and total chaos in my house if I let it.
To keep my head from exploding, I needed a plan. Before school ended I managed to carve out some time, in between Teacher Appreciation Week and End of School parties/activities, to set up our summer. One thing is for sure, we definitely won't be bored!
The key with my kids is, if they are busy and active they will have less time to pick on each other or get into trouble. Being bored is the worst thing for my three girls (and my husband for that matter). When left to their own devices for too long, they tend to figure out new ways to drive Mommy slowly nuts. Or they want to "help" with activities definitely not fit for little people.
Once my 4 hour planning session was wrapped up, I had a complete wall (literally) of summer stuff sure to keep their busy hands and minds, well, busy. We have a Weekly Schedule, a Daily Schedule, a Chore Chart, lists of activities we want to do on a regular basis and another list for things we want to do at least once this summer. I also have Summer School stuff to keep their minds fresh.
There is a ton of stuff on Pinterest to help you organize everything and give you ideas to fill in any gaps. My main thing was keeping them happy and productive, but not always in need of my supervision. That way I could have breaks to work on some of the goals I set for myself this summer (plus the super popular cleaning/cooking that is still required).
Once I got the girls' stuff in order, it was time to figure out what I wanted out of this summer.
I would, of course, continue my journey to Donutism. This part was tough, how was I going to workout almost every day AND keep up with my fun theme days? I decided that I could do it all, I just needed to stick to my charts and if all else fails, I can complete a home workout video during nap/quiet time.
I also want to focus on getting my business stuff ready for my launch this fall. That means research all of my recipes, get them perfect, find a logo, make a website and a million other things. It gave me a headache to make this long list, but once it was completed and in front of me I felt a little better. I just need to take one step at a time. Nap/quiet time would serve as a good way to get this stuff done.
My blog and Mother's Group were other areas that needed my attention. Lately, I have felt guilty for not being more active, so those were other things to add to the list. If I can focus on writing/editing 3 times a week, I figured that was better then nothing. Better then I have been doing anyway!
I can't take it all too seriously though. If we miss part of our day because we found something else to keep us busy, its ok. Its all about having a fun, productive summer with my babies and accomplishing some things that are important to me. If my 4 year old doesn't learn to write her whole alphabet this summer, it wont be the end of the world. She will learn it in preschool, but as long as she is inspired to learn, we will try our best.
Family comes first, but I am learning to put my projects at a close second. If I take a little time for me each day, I have learned that I can enjoy my time with the girls more. I feel better and have more energy when I workout and when I write, I feel like my mind is suddenly less full of the "stuff" that can weigh me down emotionally.
They are only little once, I'm going to enjoy every moment of it!
Monday, June 2, 2014
On the Road again - Recovery and Moving Forward
Recovery? What recovery?
Don't forget I still have 3 little girls at home that need their Mama in working order. I will say, it is infinitely more easy to recover from child birth without a newborn needing you constantly.
I had Mr. D on a Thursday, was out of the hospital the next day and on my way back to Wichita by Sunday afternoon. The trip home was uncomfortable, but being home with my little family was the most amazing feeling. We were home for 6 whole weeks! That might not seem like much, but to a family that had traveled every single weekend, it was heaven!
My recovery wasn't all together that interesting, the worst part were my breasts when my milk came in. Believe me, I tried EVERYTHING to stop it, but it came anyway. I tried icing my breasts, cabbage leaves and a bunch of other silly things to help the swelling, but the thing that finally worked was just standing in the shower and manually pumping a little. For a week, my breasts felt like rocks, but eventually they did get better and I wasn't the only one that was relieved, my husband was worried I would hack those suckers off at one point.
Now, its all about finding a bra (and clothes) that fit properly. My body has changed a ton and is still changing. Finding clothes is a constant challenge!
I miss D, but its more then that, I miss N & R just as much. After seeing them every week for the better part of 6 weeks, its hard not to. I miss the little circle we had become and I am sad that I won't be there to witness every new adventure they will encounter. N keeps me up to date though, I get every email, text and picture known to man to keep me involved in their every day lives. We also visit each other frequently and when we do, I get a free pass to hold D as much as I want to and (of course) I want to!
I never really went through the baby blues or postpartum depression like most people thought I would. I never had the "missing my baby" feeling, but I think that was due to that fact that I never felt like D was my baby. He was always N&R's little one and even though I was attached to him, I wasn't too attached that I couldn't say goodbye when the time came.
Plus, I am way too excited to start new adventures of my own.
First off, I am resuming my journey to Donutism. I took that first full week off from working out, but knew in two short weeks from having D I would have a 5k to participate in. I walked it, of course, but still made really good time and it felt good to push myself again.
I try to workout every day during the week and sometimes on the weekends if I have the time. I have noticed, not only physical changes, but also emotional ones. I have more patience with my girls, I don't get depressed nearly as often and I handle my husband's crazy work schedule so much better now. I'm not perfect and don't always get all of my workouts in during the week, but I am able to give myself a little slack and know that the next week I will total rock out again. I don't want to start over again and that keeps me going.
It is amazing to have my body back and I can't wait to see where the rest of the year takes me on this fitness journey. Warrior Up!
I am also working on starting my own business. My husband recently asked me what I wanted to do when I went back to work, what my dream job would be and I couldn't answer him. I was already a mom and that was always what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I needed a new dream and since the Surrogacy journey came to a close, I now had a wide open future. I was free to start the next stage of my life, but where to start? I realized I love to cook, bake and everything in between. When it comes down to it, I just want to feed people. I'm going to start out slow, probably out of my home, but my ultimate goal is to open a bakery/cafe/lunch place someday. While I thought I would wait to get the ball rolling, I keep getting signs that I should start the process now, so I'm taking the summer to prefect my recipes and get everything organized. I hope you will check out The Twisted Biscuit when it launches, Fall 2014.
As always, I am a mom and wife first. I love being able to spoil my family like I did before.
This summer is jam packed, full of adventure and I'm ready for it all!
Don't forget I still have 3 little girls at home that need their Mama in working order. I will say, it is infinitely more easy to recover from child birth without a newborn needing you constantly.
I had Mr. D on a Thursday, was out of the hospital the next day and on my way back to Wichita by Sunday afternoon. The trip home was uncomfortable, but being home with my little family was the most amazing feeling. We were home for 6 whole weeks! That might not seem like much, but to a family that had traveled every single weekend, it was heaven!
My recovery wasn't all together that interesting, the worst part were my breasts when my milk came in. Believe me, I tried EVERYTHING to stop it, but it came anyway. I tried icing my breasts, cabbage leaves and a bunch of other silly things to help the swelling, but the thing that finally worked was just standing in the shower and manually pumping a little. For a week, my breasts felt like rocks, but eventually they did get better and I wasn't the only one that was relieved, my husband was worried I would hack those suckers off at one point.
Now, its all about finding a bra (and clothes) that fit properly. My body has changed a ton and is still changing. Finding clothes is a constant challenge!
I miss D, but its more then that, I miss N & R just as much. After seeing them every week for the better part of 6 weeks, its hard not to. I miss the little circle we had become and I am sad that I won't be there to witness every new adventure they will encounter. N keeps me up to date though, I get every email, text and picture known to man to keep me involved in their every day lives. We also visit each other frequently and when we do, I get a free pass to hold D as much as I want to and (of course) I want to!
I never really went through the baby blues or postpartum depression like most people thought I would. I never had the "missing my baby" feeling, but I think that was due to that fact that I never felt like D was my baby. He was always N&R's little one and even though I was attached to him, I wasn't too attached that I couldn't say goodbye when the time came.
Plus, I am way too excited to start new adventures of my own.
First off, I am resuming my journey to Donutism. I took that first full week off from working out, but knew in two short weeks from having D I would have a 5k to participate in. I walked it, of course, but still made really good time and it felt good to push myself again.
I try to workout every day during the week and sometimes on the weekends if I have the time. I have noticed, not only physical changes, but also emotional ones. I have more patience with my girls, I don't get depressed nearly as often and I handle my husband's crazy work schedule so much better now. I'm not perfect and don't always get all of my workouts in during the week, but I am able to give myself a little slack and know that the next week I will total rock out again. I don't want to start over again and that keeps me going.
It is amazing to have my body back and I can't wait to see where the rest of the year takes me on this fitness journey. Warrior Up!
I am also working on starting my own business. My husband recently asked me what I wanted to do when I went back to work, what my dream job would be and I couldn't answer him. I was already a mom and that was always what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I needed a new dream and since the Surrogacy journey came to a close, I now had a wide open future. I was free to start the next stage of my life, but where to start? I realized I love to cook, bake and everything in between. When it comes down to it, I just want to feed people. I'm going to start out slow, probably out of my home, but my ultimate goal is to open a bakery/cafe/lunch place someday. While I thought I would wait to get the ball rolling, I keep getting signs that I should start the process now, so I'm taking the summer to prefect my recipes and get everything organized. I hope you will check out The Twisted Biscuit when it launches, Fall 2014.
As always, I am a mom and wife first. I love being able to spoil my family like I did before.
This summer is jam packed, full of adventure and I'm ready for it all!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Mr. D Arrives
Sorry it has taken me so long to write this one, but its taken time to wrap my brain around how I wanted to write this. You see, its not your average birth story and while I am extremely proud, its not all my tale to tell. So, please understand that I may not go into as much detail as I could or I leave something out. Its not because I don't want to share those things, but because I feel like its not my place.
My alarm went off at 3:30am, but lets face it, I was up long before that. In fact, I'm not sure I slept much that night and I know N didn't. The excitement was killing us!
My husband and I arrived at 5am to get medicine started and get checked in. N&R came (fashionably late) right after I was dressed in the amazingly sexy hospital gown and had climbed into the bed.
"We are having a baby!" N shouted as she entered the room, annoying the nurse putting in my IV. "There are people trying to sleep..." The nurse said with a scowl. However, once we explained N was The Mother, the nurse backed off.
Once the IV was started, we tried to sit patiently for the pitocin to arrive and soon fell easily into conversation. We didn't even realize there was a problem with the medication until the nurses did a shift change and the doctor showed up to break my water. Apparently the pharmacy had rejected the OB/GYN's signature (who does that) and instead of telling anyone, just went along their business. Doc was a little upset at this, but thanks to our amazing delivery nurse, we were soon back on track (at about 8am).
Ok, so I will skip the boring parts... Basically, Pitocin gets started, contractions continue and things REALLY start to get rolling. Meanwhile, everyone is in the waiting room taking bets on how much longer I will be in labor. You see, I have a rep for fast deliveries. With H, we showed up at 6am and she was born at 1pm. C, 10am and was born at almost 3pm and R, I showed up at 6am and had a baby a little after noon.
Unfortunately, the pool that had started in the waiting room was unknowingly stressing me out. Well, maybe my subconscious knew, but she didn't bother telling the rest of me until my vision went blurry (the first sign I am going to get a migraine) I wanted to give birth already! Everyone was so excited and depending on me and that pressure to preform gave me the migraine.
*** For anyone who is wondering, yes a migraine SUCKS when trying to push out a baby!***
My doctor gave me two options (after shutting down the betting game), I could either stop the pitocin, get some meds to help with the pain and take a nap or I could get an epidural and see if that helped. I decided to take the epidural. No way was I starting this process over.
More boring stuff- epidural is givien (best anesthesiologist ever), doc breaks my water and I go from 6 cm to 10 in no time.
Along with the contraction pain, my migraine lessened to a headache. Thanks to the very strong epidural. Everyone thought it was a good idea to make the epidural strong, because of my migraine and so did I, but while it numbed my head, it also numbed the rest of my body even more. This made it very hard to figure out what I was doing in the pushing department. I think I was pushing my eyeballs out of my head for the first few minutes, but once I got the hang of things Mr. D came pretty fast. In fact, he was born right before Noon! New record, oh yeah!!!
The most amazing moment happened right after Mr. D was born. My OBGYN laid him on my stomach for all of us to see. In that moment, everything we had been through just melted away. All the sickness and pain my family and I had endured was gone in that instant. I'm sure N&R felt the same way as they looked at their brand new baby boy.
All of a sudden, they were a family. That angel they had prayed so hard for had finally arrived and I got to help. There is nothing that could rival that feeling. Second only to the birth of my own children.
For the next hour, my husband and I got to watch as a bond between Mother, Father and Son formed. It wasn't just that though, in that time we all became closer. The OBGYN teared up, the nurse mothered me and checked every couple of minutes to make sure I was physically and emotionally ok. My husband held my hand, just like he did with our childrens' births and tirelessly watched over me as I was stitched up and cared for.
After that, the extended family was let in. It was like the flood gates erupted. Small at first, like a tiny crack had formed, but then all of a sudden the whole dam broke and there were people EVERYWHERE! Some laughing, most crying, but all smiling.
Everyone and everything brought together, probably for lifetimes to come, by one tiny 8 pound 6 ounce, amazing, perfect little miracle.
My alarm went off at 3:30am, but lets face it, I was up long before that. In fact, I'm not sure I slept much that night and I know N didn't. The excitement was killing us!
My husband and I arrived at 5am to get medicine started and get checked in. N&R came (fashionably late) right after I was dressed in the amazingly sexy hospital gown and had climbed into the bed.
"We are having a baby!" N shouted as she entered the room, annoying the nurse putting in my IV. "There are people trying to sleep..." The nurse said with a scowl. However, once we explained N was The Mother, the nurse backed off.
Once the IV was started, we tried to sit patiently for the pitocin to arrive and soon fell easily into conversation. We didn't even realize there was a problem with the medication until the nurses did a shift change and the doctor showed up to break my water. Apparently the pharmacy had rejected the OB/GYN's signature (who does that) and instead of telling anyone, just went along their business. Doc was a little upset at this, but thanks to our amazing delivery nurse, we were soon back on track (at about 8am).
Ok, so I will skip the boring parts... Basically, Pitocin gets started, contractions continue and things REALLY start to get rolling. Meanwhile, everyone is in the waiting room taking bets on how much longer I will be in labor. You see, I have a rep for fast deliveries. With H, we showed up at 6am and she was born at 1pm. C, 10am and was born at almost 3pm and R, I showed up at 6am and had a baby a little after noon.
Unfortunately, the pool that had started in the waiting room was unknowingly stressing me out. Well, maybe my subconscious knew, but she didn't bother telling the rest of me until my vision went blurry (the first sign I am going to get a migraine) I wanted to give birth already! Everyone was so excited and depending on me and that pressure to preform gave me the migraine.
*** For anyone who is wondering, yes a migraine SUCKS when trying to push out a baby!***
My doctor gave me two options (after shutting down the betting game), I could either stop the pitocin, get some meds to help with the pain and take a nap or I could get an epidural and see if that helped. I decided to take the epidural. No way was I starting this process over.
More boring stuff- epidural is givien (best anesthesiologist ever), doc breaks my water and I go from 6 cm to 10 in no time.
Along with the contraction pain, my migraine lessened to a headache. Thanks to the very strong epidural. Everyone thought it was a good idea to make the epidural strong, because of my migraine and so did I, but while it numbed my head, it also numbed the rest of my body even more. This made it very hard to figure out what I was doing in the pushing department. I think I was pushing my eyeballs out of my head for the first few minutes, but once I got the hang of things Mr. D came pretty fast. In fact, he was born right before Noon! New record, oh yeah!!!
The most amazing moment happened right after Mr. D was born. My OBGYN laid him on my stomach for all of us to see. In that moment, everything we had been through just melted away. All the sickness and pain my family and I had endured was gone in that instant. I'm sure N&R felt the same way as they looked at their brand new baby boy.
All of a sudden, they were a family. That angel they had prayed so hard for had finally arrived and I got to help. There is nothing that could rival that feeling. Second only to the birth of my own children.
For the next hour, my husband and I got to watch as a bond between Mother, Father and Son formed. It wasn't just that though, in that time we all became closer. The OBGYN teared up, the nurse mothered me and checked every couple of minutes to make sure I was physically and emotionally ok. My husband held my hand, just like he did with our childrens' births and tirelessly watched over me as I was stitched up and cared for.
After that, the extended family was let in. It was like the flood gates erupted. Small at first, like a tiny crack had formed, but then all of a sudden the whole dam broke and there were people EVERYWHERE! Some laughing, most crying, but all smiling.
Everyone and everything brought together, probably for lifetimes to come, by one tiny 8 pound 6 ounce, amazing, perfect little miracle.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Does Santa give cash?
"When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings"
-Bing Crosby
Yesterday at church our Pastor's message was all about giving as God would give. While I will save you the religious details of his message, here is what I got out of it. No matter your beliefs or thought process in life, we are all very blessed in one way or another. I am blessed in so many ways and I am thankful for each one of them.
This time of year it is popular to hear, "Give back!" and "Pay it forward!" I love these phrases and the concept. While I wish they were more of an annual thing, it just makes me love this time of year even more. It makes me want to share in as many ways as I can and it also makes me want to pass that feeling on to my children. This is easier said then done. My children are spoiled rotten, I will admit it. They have no want for anything. Between adoring grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends, my kids have almost everything under the sun. In fact, when starting our Christmas lists this year, my 6 year old asked me, "Mom, does Santa give money?" I was shocked at this question, what child would want cash instead of presents. When I inquired about her strange request, she informed me that, "I want a kitten and since you and Daddy won't let me have one, I want money so I can buy my own. One hundred dollars should do it, don't you think Mom?" Oh my gosh, what have I done? While I was proud that she has figured out that she could spend her money and purchase her own "wants", I was appalled that working for the money hadn't entered her mind. That and the fact that money was also on my Christmas list.
So, change of tactic, instead of cleaning out their closets, clothes bins and toy room alone this season, I would make the kids help me. Then we would go to a local organization home base and drop the goodies off. I wanted my kids to see, not only how much crap they actually had, but also how little others really close to them had.
Yes, it was a total nightmare to get them involved. Sure, they cried and whined when I put toys they hadn't played with in a year in the bags, but they soon forgot that toy when they found other toys that they had been looking for. Honestly, I found toys I didn't even know we had and some were even unopened. We were able to load up my entire van full of stuff to donate and watching my kids help unload everything was the best feeling. They were able to see what a true need really looked like.
We should give and do good deeds, not because we have to, but because we can. No matter how little we think we have in life, there are a ton out there that have even less. I have my problems, my struggles and my stresses, but I have so many amazing things in my life that I wouldn't trade for those difficulties to go away.
What do you have to be thankful for this season? How many blessings are out there that have been over looked or hidden by the constant struggles of every day life?
I am thankful for the reminder of how much I am truly blessed in life. I will carry it with me through this holiday season and into next year. May I always remember this and be able to pass on the gesture of giving, not just receiving. "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas perhaps, means a little bit more." The Grinch
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings"
-Bing Crosby
Yesterday at church our Pastor's message was all about giving as God would give. While I will save you the religious details of his message, here is what I got out of it. No matter your beliefs or thought process in life, we are all very blessed in one way or another. I am blessed in so many ways and I am thankful for each one of them.
This time of year it is popular to hear, "Give back!" and "Pay it forward!" I love these phrases and the concept. While I wish they were more of an annual thing, it just makes me love this time of year even more. It makes me want to share in as many ways as I can and it also makes me want to pass that feeling on to my children. This is easier said then done. My children are spoiled rotten, I will admit it. They have no want for anything. Between adoring grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends, my kids have almost everything under the sun. In fact, when starting our Christmas lists this year, my 6 year old asked me, "Mom, does Santa give money?" I was shocked at this question, what child would want cash instead of presents. When I inquired about her strange request, she informed me that, "I want a kitten and since you and Daddy won't let me have one, I want money so I can buy my own. One hundred dollars should do it, don't you think Mom?" Oh my gosh, what have I done? While I was proud that she has figured out that she could spend her money and purchase her own "wants", I was appalled that working for the money hadn't entered her mind. That and the fact that money was also on my Christmas list.
So, change of tactic, instead of cleaning out their closets, clothes bins and toy room alone this season, I would make the kids help me. Then we would go to a local organization home base and drop the goodies off. I wanted my kids to see, not only how much crap they actually had, but also how little others really close to them had.
Yes, it was a total nightmare to get them involved. Sure, they cried and whined when I put toys they hadn't played with in a year in the bags, but they soon forgot that toy when they found other toys that they had been looking for. Honestly, I found toys I didn't even know we had and some were even unopened. We were able to load up my entire van full of stuff to donate and watching my kids help unload everything was the best feeling. They were able to see what a true need really looked like.
We should give and do good deeds, not because we have to, but because we can. No matter how little we think we have in life, there are a ton out there that have even less. I have my problems, my struggles and my stresses, but I have so many amazing things in my life that I wouldn't trade for those difficulties to go away.
What do you have to be thankful for this season? How many blessings are out there that have been over looked or hidden by the constant struggles of every day life?
I am thankful for the reminder of how much I am truly blessed in life. I will carry it with me through this holiday season and into next year. May I always remember this and be able to pass on the gesture of giving, not just receiving. "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas perhaps, means a little bit more." The Grinch
Monday, November 25, 2013
23 Weeks: Bubble of Happiness
Not going to lie, I am feeling pretty proud of myself these days. Yes, I know that my circumstances are not normal and I am also aware of how the gender is determined in pregnancy, blah blah blah, this is not my first rodeo. Still, I'm allowed to gloat a little aren't I?
I hope that is a yes, because... I CAN DO IT! My body is actually able to carry A BOY!!!! Annnnnd, not only is he a boy, but he is a healthy and strong little boy. That is the best news in the entire world! Of course, N & R are over the moon, boy or girl, their baby is healthy and that was the best news heard on the day of our sonogram.
We met at the hospital to get checked in and were immediately taken to "The Sonogram Cave" (or so I like to call it). I had been there many times, but this time was by far the most nerve racking. I was really excited for N & R, but I was anxious that after all the sickness I went through, something would be amiss. Bridget, the technician, was a familiar face and I took comfort in knowing that she had been through this with me 3 times before and was "the best" per our OBGYN.
Bridget put on the belly cream and moved the wand around for maybe a second before immediately pulled the wand away from my stomach. "Did you want to know the sex?" Bridget asked sweetly, but you could tell that she was silently praying that we either didn't see anything or really wanted to know. "Yes, we definitely want to know!" we said. Those people that can wait til the baby is born to find out the sex just stun me. I wish I had that much self control to wait on something so major. How do you guys do it?
Anyway, we were a little confused as to why the wand was taken back so abruptly, but as soon as it was returned we understood. There was no doubt that this was a baby boy. N and I were in total shock, but R just smiled proudly. We teased him that I could only carry girls and that he better get ready for tea parties and dress up, but all along he was right. We had to ask Bridget to go back to the gender a couple times and ask, "Are you sure?" We just couldn't believe it!
Baby K moved around the entire time and made it very hard for Bridget to do her job. In fact, he really hasn't stopped moving since. My girls got to feel him move for the first time last night and we immediately had to call N to tell her the good news. I'm anxiously waiting to travel back in town to see them so we can share the baby's movement together.
This part of the journey is the most fun for me. Not only can I feel the baby move, but others can too. The "Name Game" officially starts around this time and I'm not quite as big as a barn (yet). All in all, things are pretty great right now and I will take this moment to be happy. Things are always subject to change, but I like my little bubble of happiness. NO ONE POP IT!
I hope that is a yes, because... I CAN DO IT! My body is actually able to carry A BOY!!!! Annnnnd, not only is he a boy, but he is a healthy and strong little boy. That is the best news in the entire world! Of course, N & R are over the moon, boy or girl, their baby is healthy and that was the best news heard on the day of our sonogram.
We met at the hospital to get checked in and were immediately taken to "The Sonogram Cave" (or so I like to call it). I had been there many times, but this time was by far the most nerve racking. I was really excited for N & R, but I was anxious that after all the sickness I went through, something would be amiss. Bridget, the technician, was a familiar face and I took comfort in knowing that she had been through this with me 3 times before and was "the best" per our OBGYN.
Bridget put on the belly cream and moved the wand around for maybe a second before immediately pulled the wand away from my stomach. "Did you want to know the sex?" Bridget asked sweetly, but you could tell that she was silently praying that we either didn't see anything or really wanted to know. "Yes, we definitely want to know!" we said. Those people that can wait til the baby is born to find out the sex just stun me. I wish I had that much self control to wait on something so major. How do you guys do it?
Anyway, we were a little confused as to why the wand was taken back so abruptly, but as soon as it was returned we understood. There was no doubt that this was a baby boy. N and I were in total shock, but R just smiled proudly. We teased him that I could only carry girls and that he better get ready for tea parties and dress up, but all along he was right. We had to ask Bridget to go back to the gender a couple times and ask, "Are you sure?" We just couldn't believe it!
Baby K moved around the entire time and made it very hard for Bridget to do her job. In fact, he really hasn't stopped moving since. My girls got to feel him move for the first time last night and we immediately had to call N to tell her the good news. I'm anxiously waiting to travel back in town to see them so we can share the baby's movement together.
This part of the journey is the most fun for me. Not only can I feel the baby move, but others can too. The "Name Game" officially starts around this time and I'm not quite as big as a barn (yet). All in all, things are pretty great right now and I will take this moment to be happy. Things are always subject to change, but I like my little bubble of happiness. NO ONE POP IT!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Diabetes: The Mom Maddening Disease.
It has been scientifically proven that Diabetes is a condition where the body fails to ingest sugars properly. What has not been discovered yet, is that it slowly drives mothers insane. Although, I feel the connection should come any day now.
I do not personally have Diabetes. I do, however, have the pleasure of knowing the struggles it comes with and the joy of watching my child walk out my door every single day, knowing all the things that could go wrong during the time she is away from me. That alone is enough to drive a person mad, but there are other ways too.
Another reason, you ask? Well, did I mention that yesterday I made my three year old take her blood sugar? Yes, I did that and then because that wasn't enough, I took her to the doctor and made them test her for Diabetes. Now, I have good reasons for putting my child through this and I am not the mother that cries Diabetes at every turn, but I can say that this disease has made me question every move I make.
Recently, C has been going to the bathroom all the time. Even her teacher has noticed that she will go to the restroom 4-5 times over the two and a half hour school day. This is not normal. It is also not normal to be thirsty all the time or ask for food insistently only to eat half and then say your stomach hurts for the next half an hour. She is losing sleep and has started to wake up more often with a wet pullup. The good news is, she is still gaining weight and her activity level is basically the same.
So, this could possibly be a weather change issue or her wanting to get out of eating or a number of other things. However, when you are a mother to one Diabetic child, your constant fear is that you may actually have two and you just don't know it. You want to save your "Non-Diagnosed" children from what you couldn't save your "Diagnosed" child from. The nightmare of the PICU, the horror of the ambulance ride and the very long and scary hospital stay. You want to protect them from the pain your Diabetic child felt when no one understood what was wrong. In fact, the guilt I will forever feel for not being able to protect my oldest from those terrors still keeps me up some nights. I know there was nothing I could have done back then, I didn't have the information or the insight on what to look for. Now, things are different. I am armed and ready for another strike to my family, but will it come?
These days, we have pretty much settled into our Diabetic, knowledge filled world and are pretty confident in our strides to arm our oldest with the information needed for a full and healthy life. But, have our efforts made us too sensitive? Have I totally lost it?
For those of you placing bets, today is NOT the day they have me committed, sorry.
I am the mother of a Diabetic child and we are forever changed by this disease. It makes us think differently, act differently to a situation and it also makes us do somewhat crazy things, but it also brings us closer in more ways then I can count. I would do anything to protect my children from any threat that comes our way, just like any parent would. Diabetes is one threat we have dealt with before. I don't know the outcome of that test, but I don't care either. If its Diabetes again, I say bring it on. We battle you every single day anyway, what's a little more insulin in our lives. If it's not, then I have put my mind at ease... at least for now.
**Update: Got a call from the doctor's office 24 hours after this was posted. C does not have Diabetes at this time. Those were the nurse's exact words, "She does not have Diabetes at this time." She couldn't elaborate more on what that meant, it was just what she was told to say. The battle rages on.
I do not personally have Diabetes. I do, however, have the pleasure of knowing the struggles it comes with and the joy of watching my child walk out my door every single day, knowing all the things that could go wrong during the time she is away from me. That alone is enough to drive a person mad, but there are other ways too.
Another reason, you ask? Well, did I mention that yesterday I made my three year old take her blood sugar? Yes, I did that and then because that wasn't enough, I took her to the doctor and made them test her for Diabetes. Now, I have good reasons for putting my child through this and I am not the mother that cries Diabetes at every turn, but I can say that this disease has made me question every move I make.
Recently, C has been going to the bathroom all the time. Even her teacher has noticed that she will go to the restroom 4-5 times over the two and a half hour school day. This is not normal. It is also not normal to be thirsty all the time or ask for food insistently only to eat half and then say your stomach hurts for the next half an hour. She is losing sleep and has started to wake up more often with a wet pullup. The good news is, she is still gaining weight and her activity level is basically the same.
So, this could possibly be a weather change issue or her wanting to get out of eating or a number of other things. However, when you are a mother to one Diabetic child, your constant fear is that you may actually have two and you just don't know it. You want to save your "Non-Diagnosed" children from what you couldn't save your "Diagnosed" child from. The nightmare of the PICU, the horror of the ambulance ride and the very long and scary hospital stay. You want to protect them from the pain your Diabetic child felt when no one understood what was wrong. In fact, the guilt I will forever feel for not being able to protect my oldest from those terrors still keeps me up some nights. I know there was nothing I could have done back then, I didn't have the information or the insight on what to look for. Now, things are different. I am armed and ready for another strike to my family, but will it come?
These days, we have pretty much settled into our Diabetic, knowledge filled world and are pretty confident in our strides to arm our oldest with the information needed for a full and healthy life. But, have our efforts made us too sensitive? Have I totally lost it?
For those of you placing bets, today is NOT the day they have me committed, sorry.
I am the mother of a Diabetic child and we are forever changed by this disease. It makes us think differently, act differently to a situation and it also makes us do somewhat crazy things, but it also brings us closer in more ways then I can count. I would do anything to protect my children from any threat that comes our way, just like any parent would. Diabetes is one threat we have dealt with before. I don't know the outcome of that test, but I don't care either. If its Diabetes again, I say bring it on. We battle you every single day anyway, what's a little more insulin in our lives. If it's not, then I have put my mind at ease... at least for now.
**Update: Got a call from the doctor's office 24 hours after this was posted. C does not have Diabetes at this time. Those were the nurse's exact words, "She does not have Diabetes at this time." She couldn't elaborate more on what that meant, it was just what she was told to say. The battle rages on.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
My Mommy is having My Cousin
From the beginning, my husband and I have agreed to give the facts and be honest with our children when they ask us questions. Whether its the uncomfortable "parts" conversation or what it means to be a Gestational Carrier for our beloved cousins. Our girls are still young enough that they may ask a few questions, but once those are answered, they except the information given to them and move on.
I know that will change later on, so I am enjoying it while I can.
When approaching the Surrogacy topic with our older girls (R is only 23 months), we decided to start, as always, with the facts. They knew N & R didn't have kids and they also knew that we love them a ton, so I started with that. I told H and C the story of how N got sick and had to have her uterus removed. C quickly lost interest, but H was very saddened by this and continued to listen. Then I explained that while we weren't going to have any more children, I could still help by putting the baby in my uterus. I told them the doctor takes a piece (or cell) of N and an piece (or cell) of R, the doctor then takes those cells, puts them together and with God's help, they turn into a tiny little baby (or embryo). Once the cells turn into an embryo, the doctor puts it in my uterus and the baby stays in there and grows until its ready to come out.
After my explanation, H only had a few questions. Is the baby staying with us? and Do I get to hold it? To this I told her no, the baby wouldn't stay with us because its N&R's baby. We have a family and being a Surrogate is about helping a family that has lots of love in it, but can't have children to share that love with. I also told her that since we were cousins and N&R love us very much we will get to go visit and hold the baby a ton. Just because we decided not to have any more children doesn't mean I don't love snuggling with other people's, I am human!
Later, N bought the girls a couple of children's books about surrogates and their families. One had a kangaroo family and the other had a opossum family. We liked the analogy of the doctor putting the baby in a pouch instead of explaining to a 5 year old the exact procedure. However, the books were a little too fiction for my "all about the facts" daughter and she quickly poked holes in the "fairy tale parts" of the book. For example, in one of the books it said that the baby was made with "magic and love", to this H said, 'Aren't ALL babies made with magic and love?" Well played kid, well played.
She also didn't buy the part where the "Magical Koala" put a "seed" in the aunt opossum's pouch, H wanted the real story. I just told her that in this story the Koala is the doctor and the seed is the embryo. After that, she seemed ok with the idea of Mommy being a Surrogate and even got excited about talking to the baby, playing music for it and holding it later on. Even though C lost interest in the whole discussion rather quickly, she does love to rub my belly and decorate it with stickers. She calls it "decorating the baby's room". Even R can see that some changes are taking place in our household and mimics her sisters' actions by rubbing my stomach and saying "There's a baby in there!".
While it may be difficult for others in my family and friend circles to understand why we chose to be a Surrogate, my children are fully aware and informed. Its more then that though, they are just as excited as I am. H and I often sit and talk about the fun things we will get to do with the baby and how wonderful it will be to see N&R's family take off. Its a special gift that I can share with, not only N&R, but with my children. It shows them how to care about the ones you love, how to help if you are able and not to judge if someone does something you don't understand.
Unconditional love and support is a powerful gift. It's also something we have in spades, why not share it?
I know that will change later on, so I am enjoying it while I can.
When approaching the Surrogacy topic with our older girls (R is only 23 months), we decided to start, as always, with the facts. They knew N & R didn't have kids and they also knew that we love them a ton, so I started with that. I told H and C the story of how N got sick and had to have her uterus removed. C quickly lost interest, but H was very saddened by this and continued to listen. Then I explained that while we weren't going to have any more children, I could still help by putting the baby in my uterus. I told them the doctor takes a piece (or cell) of N and an piece (or cell) of R, the doctor then takes those cells, puts them together and with God's help, they turn into a tiny little baby (or embryo). Once the cells turn into an embryo, the doctor puts it in my uterus and the baby stays in there and grows until its ready to come out.
After my explanation, H only had a few questions. Is the baby staying with us? and Do I get to hold it? To this I told her no, the baby wouldn't stay with us because its N&R's baby. We have a family and being a Surrogate is about helping a family that has lots of love in it, but can't have children to share that love with. I also told her that since we were cousins and N&R love us very much we will get to go visit and hold the baby a ton. Just because we decided not to have any more children doesn't mean I don't love snuggling with other people's, I am human!
Later, N bought the girls a couple of children's books about surrogates and their families. One had a kangaroo family and the other had a opossum family. We liked the analogy of the doctor putting the baby in a pouch instead of explaining to a 5 year old the exact procedure. However, the books were a little too fiction for my "all about the facts" daughter and she quickly poked holes in the "fairy tale parts" of the book. For example, in one of the books it said that the baby was made with "magic and love", to this H said, 'Aren't ALL babies made with magic and love?" Well played kid, well played.
She also didn't buy the part where the "Magical Koala" put a "seed" in the aunt opossum's pouch, H wanted the real story. I just told her that in this story the Koala is the doctor and the seed is the embryo. After that, she seemed ok with the idea of Mommy being a Surrogate and even got excited about talking to the baby, playing music for it and holding it later on. Even though C lost interest in the whole discussion rather quickly, she does love to rub my belly and decorate it with stickers. She calls it "decorating the baby's room". Even R can see that some changes are taking place in our household and mimics her sisters' actions by rubbing my stomach and saying "There's a baby in there!".
While it may be difficult for others in my family and friend circles to understand why we chose to be a Surrogate, my children are fully aware and informed. Its more then that though, they are just as excited as I am. H and I often sit and talk about the fun things we will get to do with the baby and how wonderful it will be to see N&R's family take off. Its a special gift that I can share with, not only N&R, but with my children. It shows them how to care about the ones you love, how to help if you are able and not to judge if someone does something you don't understand.
Unconditional love and support is a powerful gift. It's also something we have in spades, why not share it?
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Super Mom is temporarily NOT so super: 13 weeks and counting
Today I am officially 13 weeks pregnant. Ah, that feels really good to say!
I am FINALLY starting to feel better. More human, less Zombie and I could not be more excited!
As you can probably guess,
the last 8 weeks haven’t been my favorite. Sure, I had morning sickness with my
3 girls, but nothing prepared me for this.
I have had ALL day sickness,
there was literally nothing in my house that I hadn’t thrown up and I was so
weak that moving from bed to the couch was a workout. My husband, who I cook
for at least 5 times a week, learned very quickly to not call to ask, “what’s
for dinner” and instead calls to ask, “what can you eat today?” Yes, Super Mom
is out of commission, proceed with caution or better yet do not disturb at all.
I am so thankful for my
friends and family that have chipped in during this hard time. My mom and my
Bestie came to stay with us while I got my girls ready to go back to school. My
cousins sent home a ton of food and freezer meals so I had easy options for my
family. My husband even took me to my moms at one point (a 3 hour drive), just
in case I needed to be admitted into the hospital for dehydration. At least
there, we would have a ton of family and friends to watch our girls.
Now, things are getting
better. I am still sick most mornings and every single night, but there is that
time in between that I feel almost like myself.
I cant wait to get back into the kitchen! Fall is here and I plan on cooking
and baking up a storm.
During my “down time” people
have asked if I ever regretted my decision to become a Surrogate. My response
is always the same, absolutely not!
I am still just as excited
about this journey as I was before it started. The one thought that gets my
through my worst days is the moment when the doctor hands N & R their brand
new baby. Boy or Girl, it doesn’t matter. Ten fingers, ten toes and healthy as
can be. That image stays with me throughout it all.
Pasta and the Planned Pregnancy
My family lovingly jokes that
I am over fertile. At almost every family event there is at least one joke made
to this fact. My husband is told not to look at me, because he might knock me
up at the buffet, Fertile Myrtle gets thrown around and my favorite nickname is
one given to me by my brother, Pasta Sauce or Pasta for short. He figured out
early on that calling me Prego was entirely too over done and with that “Pasta
Sauce” was born.
As most of you know, I have
three gorgeous daughters, but just like this is my first time being a
Surrogate, it’s also my first planned pregnancy.
Yes, the nicknames and jokes
have merit! My husband and I have been fortunate in the fact that we have never
had to really plan a pregnancy. They just kind of showed up!
Since it has always been a
little too easy to conceive, I worried that I would have
a hard time getting pregnant now that all eyes were on me. I know, sounds
crazy, but I had my insecurities just like everyone else. Now that everyone is
counting on my body to do what it normally does so easily, am I going to be
able to do this? What if I used up my special baby making powers?
I wasn’t alone in my fears;
everyone seemed to be a bundle of nerves, although I seriously doubt my cousins
were worried about my baby making powers being used up. N & R had been down
a very long, painful journey for a lot longer then I had been in the position
to help and I’m sure were just as worried as I that this new journey was going
to another bumpy one.
N and I started our
respective medications about the same time, I took a medicine to get my body
ready to receive N & R’s embryo at the transfer and N started getting shots
to get her body ready for the egg extraction. Once N’s eggs were extracted and
R did “his part”, I started another medication to prep my body for pregnancy
while the embryos grew in the lab. N & R got daily updates on how the embryos
were growing and we talked daily about the excitement of it all.
After 5 days in the lab, a
few embryos were ready. N, R and I met early on Implantation Day and nervously
awaiting the procedure. The whole thing
took less then an hour and 30 minutes of that was me lying very still to make
sure the embryo “stuck”. We talked nursery ideas, told jokes and funny stories
to pass the time and when the nurse came in to kick us out, the whole
experience felt a little too easy. That did nothing for my fears, but
we went out to breakfast and focused on only the positive.
Waiting 9 days to find out if
you are pregnant is the worst! I felt different, but thought it might be my
mind playing tricks on me. We were warned against taking an at home pregnancy
test, for fear it would show a false positive or false negative. Each day we
got more anxious, but we survived the wait and finally the day came!
After getting my blood drawn,
N and I went out for pedicures to pass the time. I will never forget nagging
the nurses to run the test immediately and begging them to call us right away.
I will also never forget the excitement when N’s phone rang, 45 minutes later,
in the middle of Wal-Mart’s nail place. I’m sure the pedicurist and fellow Pedi
Patriots thought we were insane, jumping around, laughing and crying all at
once, but we didn’t care. With a “Hello” and a simple nod from N, our lives
changed forever.
We were having a baby!
We were having a baby!
Friday, August 30, 2013
Not Your Average Baby Mama
When I was little, besides a brief period of wanting to be
an FBI agent, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom.
Today, my dreams have come true and I am blessed with three
beautiful girls. They bring so much to my life, but I often think about how
different my life would be if I couldn’t have had children.
That reality was unfortunately given to my cousin, N and her
husband R. While I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to learn you will
never be able to bare your own children, I can say that if it happened to me, I
would not have been able to handle the news quite as well as these two.
N and R had been married 5 years when she lost her uterus to
tumors, possible cancer and a bunch of other horrific things. While I don’t feel like that is my story to
tell, I can say that these two are the most amazing, supportive and loving
couple I have ever met. Even after all of their battles, they go to every baby
shower, ever birthday party and every baptism with huge smiles on their faces
and a ton of love in their hearts. I look up to this couple in so many ways and
can only hope that after I have been married for 9 years I can say I still love
my spouse half as much as they love each other.
I have known N a really long time, she is my cousin.
Actually, her mom and my mom are first cousins and we spent a brief time, when we
were young, living under the same roof while both sets of parents were going
through a divorce. As we grew, we saw each other at random family events and as
adults, N and R moved back to KC where my husband and I lived only about a mile
down the road from them.
I first started thinking about being N and R’s gestational
surrogate in 2009, but it wasn’t until 2012 that it was actually discussed.
N’s grandmother (my Great Aunt) passed away in June of 2012.
My mother was really close to her aunt,
so my mother, me and my three girls (5 yrs, 2 yrs. and 7 mo.) made the 14-hour
trip to Sturgis, ND for the funeral. From the moment we arrived my girls were
attached to N and R. They chased, played, cuddled and laughed the whole trip
with my girls. It was there that I was
sure, I could picture them running around with their own little one and I
wanted to help in anyway I could.
I do have to add a quick thank you to N’s and my mothers for
getting together, having a few drinks and discussing the details. Neither N nor
I wanted to step on any toes and thought it was best to let the other person
come to us. If our mothers hadn’t gotten involved, I’m not sure we would have
gotten to this point. How often can you
say that and mean it truthfully?
After a year of planning, we are all finally ready! I am
both honored and excited to be able to be apart of this amazing experience. I
have my beautiful family and I feel so blessed to have that, why wouldn’t I
help N and R achieve that too?
Monday, May 20, 2013
The Makings of a Diabetic Diva - My Brave H's Diagnosis Story
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On Friday June 29,
2012 H was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, but her Diabetic story really
started before that.
H has been potty
trained since she was a little over 2 ½ years old, but always had problems
staying dry at night. I tried to chalk it up to her being such a heavy sleeper,
especially because her doctors weren’t concerned. So, we continued with our
normal routine of putting a pull up on her each night before she went to sleep.
At her 5th
year check up, I asked the doctors again about her bed wetting because the
problem had gotten worse. H started waking us up in the middle of the night
because she had wet through her pull ups. The doctors still didn’t show concern
and told me that it was quite normal for children to wet the bed until 8 years
of age.
The worry wouldn’t
go away though, no matter how hard I tried. How could a 5 year old child that
pees through her pull up and wetting pads twice per night, even after getting cut
off from any liquids after 6:30pm, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, be considered normal? None
of the other parents I’d talked to had been through anything like this
before.
So, for a month and
a half more, I was woken up in the middle of the night, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, to
change her wetting pad, her sheets, her blankets, her water proof mattress pad
and help her change her pull up. Every
single night.
My husband and I
talked about different ways to get her to stop wetting the bed at night, but
nothing helped. We weren’t as patient with her as we could have been in the
beginning; we yelled and scolded her for not getting up to go. We even started
getting her up during the night to go. We would set an alarm and I would go and
wake her, which took forever, and drag her half a wake to the bathroom only to
be woken up again later to change the sheets. It was exhausting and we finally
figured out that she couldn’t control it. Something else was wrong, but what?
We stopped scolding
and finally accepted that she might do this for years to come and there was
nothing anyone could do about it. It
wasn’t easy, but what else could we do? Her face, when she came in to tell me
she wet the bed, was the saddest, most embarrassed face I had ever seen on my
child. She was more upset then we were that she couldn’t hold it in at night.
Things continued
pretty normally until the weeks leading up to H’s diagnosis. At that point, she
was home from school for summer and I was busy running around trying to pack 3
little girls (5, 2, and 8 months), a husband, and a dog for a 9-day trip back
home to Kansas City. We were getting all three girls baptized, my husband’s
sister was coming home from teaching abroad in Mexico and we had things planned
for every other day of our trip as well.
During that time H
became increasingly tired, was constantly thirsty, lost weight and every time
she ate would act strange afterwards.
She hadn’t taken naps in months, but during the other girls’ naptime,
she would pass out on the couch for several hours, especially after she ate.
She had always been a really good eater and continued to be, but would say no
to dessert. Whose child are you? We LOVE dessert in this family! She told me it
made her teeth and tummy hurt to eat sweet stuff.
She would also
become very sluggish after meals. Her checks would turn bright red, like she
had been running forever, her eyes would be half closed, and you couldn’t talk
to her about anything important because she wouldn’t be able to understand you
properly. My husband called it The Zombie Effect.
I didn’t notice the
weight loss at first, H is the kind of kid that plumps up a bit for a while and
then shoots up really tall afterwards. So, naturally I thought it was something
along those lines. I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary until one day
she put on her favorite summer dress, one that she wore every week for as long
as she could fit into it. I remember
helping her put that dress on, expecting it to look like it always looked, a
little tight in the middle, but perfect everywhere else. Instead my baby girl was
swimming in that dress. I immediately took her upstairs, measured her against the
“wall of growth” (a wall in my 2nd daughter’s closet that I mark the
girls height on every 6 months) Sure enough she had grown, but not enough in a
month to cause such a change so I made her stand on my scale and to my horror,
she had lost 10 pounds in about a month and a half. That was the day Hallie got diagnosed and the
day our lives became forever altered.
Seeing that change
scared me to the core. I called the doctor first; they said that they could get
her in after our trip (in 9 days) and to not worry too much until then. Next I
called my husband freaking out; he tried to calm me down and said he would try
to be home early. In a panic, I Googled her symptoms and after I hit enter the
word DIABETES popped up all over the screen in front of me. I laughed at myself
because I was NOT going to be the mom that freaks out because of a Google
search and rushes her kid to the ER only to be laughed off as a crazy person.
So, I called my husband back. He married me (crazy person that he is) knowing
how freaked out I get by little things that happen to our kids. So I knew he
would be able to talk me off the ledge. But instead of talking me off, he
joined me on it.
As I waited
impatiently for my husband to get home, I fed the kid’s dinner and got the van
packed so all we had to do when he got home was leave for our vacation. H ate
as usual, but declined dessert just like she had all week. When K got home 20
minutes later, she was sitting in her chair staring straight ahead. He tried to
say hi, gave her a kiss and asked about her day, but she didn’t respond. “Zombie
Effect” he said as he looked at me. He didn’t have to say anything else; we
both knew something was wrong. Later in the car he got curious and started calling
friends he knew with Diabetes. After that, his curiosity got the best of him
and he gave her a muffin to see how she would feel after. Two bites in our
daughter almost passed out from the sugar and that is when K started to speed
the rest of the way to my mother’s house in Kansas City.
We dropped the two
smaller girls and the dog off with barely two words to my family. My mother
could handle them and we had to get to the ER as soon as possible. I sat in the
back with Hallie and held her, I cried as little as I could, but the emotions
were too hard to keep all the stray tears at bay.
A half hour later
we were being given the news that our daughter did indeed have Type 1 Diabetes
and that their children’s hospital location wasn’t suited for her needs. They
needed to transfer her, by ambulance, to the bigger Children’s Hospital
downtown. At this point, I had to make
the calls. The one to my mother was pretty bad; I was barely audible as I gave
her news. She did the protective mother thing and simply said that we would
handle whatever came our way and that I needed to be strong for my baby. I
continued by texting my siblings, my husband’s family, my father and H’s
paternal grandmother. The last call I made was to H’s biological father, That
was the worst one of all.
Our ambulance ride
was pretty hard to bear, but the paramedics were amazing. Once the ambulance
arrived, two paramedics walked into our room. At the time, H was terrified of
men. So, when a 6 foot something, African American man walked up to her and
expected to shake her hand and talk to her, she gripped me even tighter. I was
worried she wouldn’t let me go, but after just a few minutes, she was ready to
ride anywhere with this funny, cool guy. They made me ride in the front seat
with the driver, while the male paramedic worked to get H hydrated. My husband
drove the van back to my mothers to pick up stuff we would need for the night
and then met us at the hospital. The female
driver tried to make small talk to take my mind off of my crying baby in the
back, but not much could distract me. Through the small window separating the
front from the back, I spoke words of encouragement to H. I hoped they would
help her get through the pain but it turns out, at that moment she didn’t need
me. The paramedic was distracting her and making her laugh through her tears
and at the end of the ambulance ride, she wouldn’t let go of his hand.
Our next stop was
the ER; the doctors got caught up with her case and tried again, to get an IV
in her arm. After what seemed like hours, they were finally able to find a
vein. They explained that she was so dehydrated that it was difficult to get
her stuck. That seemed odd to me, because the last couple of months she had
chugged water like she couldn’t get enough. They explained to me that since her
body wasn’t creating enough insulin to break up the sugars, few nutrients and
hydration were getting to where they needed to go. After that, they tried to
get a reading on her sugar levels and did a series of other tests. Her numbers
were so high that their meters couldn’t get an accurate reading. Since her levels
were so off the charts, they decided that she needed to be admitted to the PICU
(Pediatric Intensive Care Unit).
We spent the next
48 hours there. She couldn’t eat or drink anything until her levels were stable,
so since she couldn’t eat or drink, neither did I. I slept in her bed in the PICU, held her hand
and kissed her tears as they poked and prodded at her. She was so scared and so
little, I hated what she had to go through and every time they came in my heart
broke that much more for her. Visitors
were limited to one at a time, it would have been two, but I refused to leave
her.
K came and went as
much as he could, he had the other two girls to look after. Even though my
mother and other family members stepped in he seemed to know that since I
wouldn’t leave H’s side he would have to play Mommy and Daddy for a while.
I remember walking
through the halls of the PICU, focusing on the floor as I walked to the
bathroom and back to H’s room. I had learned my lesson the first time, when K
forgot to warn me not to look into other children’s rooms. I saw things that
would give me nightmares for years to come. Children with tubs coming in and
out of their bodies, sick little beings that barely looked human at all. It was
so much worse then I could ever describe, the pain in their parents faces were
the worst of all. Right then and there, I was thankful my child had Diabetes.
It was the first time, but not the last that I would be thankful for that.
After two days in
the PICU, H’s numbers were where they needed to be. She had to go to the main
floor of the hospital for a couple more days, but we could have more visitors!
Things got harder
and easier for us. H hated her shots and getting her blood taken, but we were
learning about the disease and the ways to help make this whole thing easier
for her. We took 3 classes before she was released from the hospital and 2 more
in the months to come. Our friends and family jumped in without missing a beat.
They brought presents, meals, fun activities, and watched our children for us.
They were lifesavers, as were the people at the hospital. We were so blessed to
have such an amazing tool at our fingertips whenever we needed help. The nurses
brought movies and games for her to keep her busy and always explained things
to H, not just to us. Many of the staff actually had Diabetes themselves and
never got tired of the countless questions we asked them.
Finally, after 5
days in the hospital, H could go home. It was exciting and terrifying all at once.
We were armed with all the knowledge and tools we would need, but somehow we
knew that the road ahead would not be an easy one. There was so much to
remember and so much to do, how could this ever get easy? But it did. Time
passed and routines were made. We called the doctors many times in the first
couple weeks, but after that learned her body and how to maintain her levels.
I think the hardest
thing for me to remember is that H’s body is not a machine. I know that sounds
silly, but if you think about it, it might make sense. We take her blood sugar
and get a number. Based on that number and the amount of carbs she will be
eating, you calculate how many units of insulin to give her. Then, when it’s
time to check her blood sugar again, she should be within range, right?
Sometimes that’s true, other times she’s really high or really low. I blamed
myself for every high and every low, thought I was doing something wrong. I
used to get so frustrated and felt like I could never get this whole process
right. Then it dawned on me. Her body isn’t a computer that you put your
calculations in to and everything runs smoothly. Her body gets sick, runs
around, plays and uses different amounts of effort. So depending on what her
body was doing in-between those blood sugar tests makes a difference on how her
levels will be later. I can’t control her body, I can’t make her always be in
range. She will go high and she will go low, but I can’t fix that perfectly
every time, no one can.
Some days are hard,
some days are easier, but I am thankful every day. It doesn’t matter how strong
or weak I feel, I can be thankful that My H is still with me and is not only
managing her Diabetes but thriving!
H on her 6th Birthday
11 months and 13 days
after being Diagnosed
Converting to Donutizm – The Beginning
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As I sat down to write my backstory for my weight loss
journey, I realized that everything I wrote down was just an excuse and has
probably been heard a thousand times.
I could tell you about how I was always told I could
lose some weight by family, or the diet pills I was on at 17 (at 135 pounds) and again
after the birth of my first child (at 170 pounds). I could talk about not
feeling comfortable in my own body or that I never have had self esteem. I
could write a 3 page blog on how my depression after the birth of my second
baby shot me up to 204 pounds and then, after a year of being that weight,
decided to do something about it, worked for a month to lose 9 pounds and then
found out I was pregnant again. I could also say my body doesn’t lose weight
while breastfeeding; I just don’t have that gene.
Yes, I could say all of those things, but honestly they
aren’t really reasons why I let myself get to heavy. I could have chosen to
work out more, even in high school. I could have decided I should be loved for
me and not for what I looked like, I could have said I don’t care what other
people think and lived the way I wanted, but I didn’t. I let others dictate the
way I looked and how I felt about myself.
Food has always been my go-to for everything. If I’m happy, I celebrate
by eating. If I’m sad I eat my feelings instead of talking them out.
Food and shoes would never leave me or tell me that I wasn’t
good enough.
So instead of boring you with all the poor me details, I am
going to tell you where I started, where I’m at now, and move on. Yes, I am
taking responsibility for my actions today and continuing on my journey. I know
I’ll fall on my face. I’ve done it before and most likely I’ll do it again. But
the difference is, I’ll get back up and I will be A Donut!
(Pause for effect) – just kidding, but those words are
important, so let them sink in.
I began this journey at my biggest, 210 pounds. It was the
beginning of this year, (2013) and my youngest was 14 months old when I heard
my best friend would be getting married in June 2013. I was determined to not
be that heavy when I waked down the isle as one of her 8 bridesmaids.
First things first, how do I lose weight?
It’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life and truly
had no idea where to begin. I’d tried diet pills, like I said, and had also
tried every other fad, quick fix diet out there. However, I hadn’t really tried
actually counting my calories, eating right and working out. Well, I’d thought
about it and started it for about a month before I got pregnant again, but the
whole idea seemed really hard, so why do that when I could lose weight “the
easy way”. (I would later come to find, that there is no such thing as an easy
way to lose weight, it takes hard work.)
For me, simply drinking a shake or taking a pill with every
meal didn’t work. Now, please don’t get
me wrong, if any other method has worked for you, keep doing what you’re doing.
I am a firm believer in doing what works for YOU. Wish someone would have told
me that a long time ago. I do take peoples advice and turn it into something I
will actually do and use, but just because it has worked for them doesn’t mean
it will work for you. For example, my
sister in law can say, “I will not eat sweets! I will basically live at the gym
and I will not eat carbs!” and just like that, she will go to it and stick with
it! That, however, does not work for me. I want my carbs and my sweets and I
don’t want to live at the gym. I do want
to lose weight, but I also still want to be able to go out with my husband and
enjoy pizza and beer. I didn’t want to become a person that dieted constantly,
complained about missing pizza and talked about how much weight they’d lost so
far all the time.
In January 2013 I started slow. I counted my calories
first (baby steps), which was a lot harder then I thought. Much to my surprise,
I was eating so much more than my body needed to every day. No wonder I was
gaining weight. I lost 10 pounds in a month by counting calories alone.
Then once I was confident in this new skill, in February
2013 I started eating healthier (yes, I did have cheat days). A fruit or veggie
with each meal, no pop, replaced a fruit or veggie as my snack in the afternoon
instead of chips or pop, and I watched my sugar intake.
Eating healthier and counting calories rewarded me with the
lost of 5 more pounds! I was on a roll, or so I thought. I decided that I next
needed to start working out so for the next 7 weeks I worked out 3 times a
week, ate pretty healthy (still had my cheat days) and counted my calories.
Much to my surprise I didn’t lose any more weight, Ok I lost 2 pounds, but that
was the week I was sick and barely ate anything and didn’t work out. Needless
to say, I was beyond frustrated. That is when a recent friend informed me that I might not be
eating enough calories each day to support my new workout habits. Once I went
up to 1325 calories each day, instead of 1200, I started losing weight again. 2
pounds per week and I continued to lose weight. At the end or March 2013, I was
officially down 28 pounds!
When Easter hit, however, I was PMSing, about to start my
period and munched on way too much yummies over the holiday weekend. Since
then, I have had a really hard time getting back on track. I have gained 4
pounds back, making my weight 186 again.
As of the beginning of May 2013, I have started over again. The
thing about falling off the wagon is, as long as you get back on you’re still
on track. No one is perfect and that’s okay.
The above picture is from August 2012
The Glow Run
My very 1st 5K
The above picture is from May 2013
The Color Me Rad Run
My 3rd 5K
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