Gross, I hate Valentine's Day! Even calling my husband My Valentine grosses me out, but lets face it, in February everyone is obsessed with Valentine's Day. Either they hate it or they love it, but either way they are talking about it.
In the Happiness Project, Gretchen chose to make her month about marriage. I also followed her in the subject because, as much as I dislike the holiday, it would be nice to get over my issues and show a little to love to the ones that love me most. After all, Commandment #12 states There is only love.
I started by talking to My husband, K, about this month and what things he would like to see change. As any good husband would do, he lied and told me that I was an amazing wife that took very good care of him and wouldn't change a single thing about me. Awh, he knows me too well!
Apparently, I was on my own with this one. So, instead of bugging him to death, I looked to myself.
OPRAH MOMENT!
Goal #1 for February: Don't Expect praise or appreciation. Do things for me and because I want them. Not to get a gold star or praise from someone else. It will disappoint you 9 times out of 10 and you will only grow to resent them for YOU not feeling appreciated.
2) No Dumping: Look to yourself first. Is this an insecurity or fear? If so, call a friend. People will often turn to women for understanding instead of men. Women are better at it. Develop your relationships with your female friends to give your husband a break from your insecurities, random problems and fears. Don't get me wrong, my husband is my rock and often sees a solution that I had not thought of. However, K is a very logical thinker and I am more emotional. Its not always fair for me to talk his ear off about small things when the answer normally lies in my own head. I just need to talk it out and my friends have much better ears (and patience) for things like that.
This leads me to #3, Love him just as he is. Like I said, K is a logical thinker and his way of thinking is very rarely mine. I sometimes get frustrated because its not how I would do it, but that's not fair. I can't change him, nor would I want to. So, I need to love him as he is and stop myself from saying something hurtful just because I happen to be frustrated at that moment.
After my Oprah Moment, a bigger picture hit me (I guess I could say I had another Ah Ha moment). Gretchen focused solely on her marriage for her February project, but I wanted more. I didn't just want to focus on my marriage. I wanted to open that up to all my loved ones.
So, my February Victoria Project is Love AND Marriage.
1) Don't expect praise and appreciation - Do things for others because you want to, not to get a gold star. (even thought I LOVE gold stars)
2) Fight right - is this really worth discussing? Is it productive?
3) No dumping
4) Give proofs of love - Be generous. Show them you care, don't just tell them. Actions speak louder then words.
5) Love them just as they are - who are you to judge? They are in your life for a reason.
6) Don't complain to others about your loved ones (especially your husband) - Venting to your best friend to talk something out is one thing, but to complain to others about your loved ones is wrong. Its petty and counterproductive.
7) Remember important dates and celebrate them - Show up! Its not enough to think about them on their special day. Reach out! A phone call or text is better then nothing.
8) Get rid of the Negative Nancys
Along with all of these new goals, I will try my very best to keep up with all of my January goals. This is a lifestyle change after all, not just something that I do every once in a while.
Bring on the love!
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
Project Victoria: January's results
I'm still struggling with a name. The most obvious choice is The Victoria Project, but I'm still not sure that is the one. Maybe Project Victoria... Oh well, if the name is the hardest part about this whole thing then I think I am doing pretty well. (Its month one, check back with me at month 6)
In January I added another Secret to Adulthood, Music makes everything better. I have always known that, but never really voiced it. I have found that I get so much more done and am in such a good mood any time I listen to music. I also learned that I REALLY like Do Whop (don't judge). I know a lot of the songs, they make me feel energetic, there are no "bad" words or "tough" situations that I have to explain to my kids and (the most important thing) I can dance to most of the songs! Talk about your mood changer. Just try to be in a bad mood and listen to Do Whop, I bet you cant do it (unless you hate Do Whop).
As for the rest of my goals for January, I learned a lot of things about me through them as well.
First off, getting up at 5am SUCKS!!!! I can't do it, I tried and tried, but since my house isn't exactly hopping that early in the morning, I got my morning program done and still had time to spare. In my case that isn't always a good thing. Lets face it, there is only so much you can do in the morning while your kids are still sleeping. So I started to find myself on the couch catching up on shows and then once my kids got up it was chaos as usual. Then, after they were off to school it was hard for me not to land back on the couch or to goof around on Facebook. So, I changed my expectations and found a happy medium. Now, my wake up time varies on what the day holds. I normally get up when my husband gets up, make him breakfast and get him out the door. Then I focus on my kitchen and laundry until the girls are up. After that, its a blur until H gets on the bus and C, R and I head to their school or the gym. I have found that, if I start the day off going steady, I can finish the day going steady and might even have a little time in the afternoon to complete a project or catch up on shows.
While getting up early was difficult at the beginning, going to bed on time was not. I was so worn out at night that I practically passed out as my head hit the pillow. I wasn't used to my workout regiment, the early wake up calls were brutal and my "energetic self" was so energetic during the day that I definitely looked forward to bed time every night.
Once I got used to everything (probably by the 2nd week) it was a lot easier to stay up and spend that extra time with my husband, but then I wasn't getting enough sleep. It was and still is a balancing act. The weekends I still struggle with, but most days I can talk myself into going to bed tired or not.
Eating better, drinking more water, watching my steps, acting more energetic and exercising better were all a HUGE success in my book! I think having other things to focus on besides just the scale has really helped me. I feel more confident in my body and while the process is slow, I know I will get there and I'm even learning to love myself as I am now. Apparently, it wasn't my body I really needed to change, it was my journey and the reason I was on it to begin with. Being happy is much better then being "skinny". Now, I just want to be healthy, fit and happy.
I am also happy to report that I am seeing a change! I took beginning and end of January pictures and I can really see a difference. I only lost about 2 pounds, but I'm OK with that. Loving the NSVs!
As far as tossing, restoring and organizing goes, my house is still not a clutter free zone, but I am on my way! I tackle a big, nagging task every week, pick up throughout the day and do a little every day so I can enjoy the weekends with my family and friends.
The one thing that I haven't been so great at is stretching. I thought I wanted to be one of those people that got up every morning and stretched, but turns out that isn't for me. I get out of bed and want coffee, I don't want to stretch. Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! So, I settled for stretching before and after workouts and any time I felt stressed or sore. It seemed to work out OK for me and the best part about it is I don't have to feel guilty because I don't like stretching in the morning. Its just not me. Who knew?
A couple of unexpected, amazing things happened this month as well.
Several of my close friends had been contacting me to hang out more. At first, I wasn't sure I would have time with all of my Project V stuff. I had a month dedicated to spending more time with loved ones and this month was supposed to be about my energy. However, in the end I decided that my friends were more important to me. Why would I wait? If I don't take the time now, who says they will be around then?
I also got an invite to join a bible study once a week and to try a new church. Again, I had a dedicated month to focus on my relationship (and my children's) with God. I didn't want to add even more to my plate and lose focus on my goals this month. Some how, everything worked out perfectly and the Bible Study ended up being AT THE GYM and on my rest/catch up day. How cool is that?
Taking the time to let in both of these unforeseen things gave me something I never expected, more energy. In spending time with my friends, gaining new ones and spending a little more time with my spiritual side I noticed that I woke up each morning happier and more energetic.
My last unexpected win was that I started thinking about my career of choice when my girls are all in school. Thats my major goal during this project and I really didn't think I would want to start thinking about it until later this year. It has been a huge source of stress for me and I wanted to tuck it away somewhere in the dark until I forced myself to deal with it. What I found was (simply put), I didn't need to do that. By unveiling a part of me that has been absent for so long (my energy), I was able to start putting the pieces together of what I want to be and who I really am.
Its all still a puzzle, but the border pieces are starting to come together and I can't wait to see what the big picture will be!
Bring on February!
In January I added another Secret to Adulthood, Music makes everything better. I have always known that, but never really voiced it. I have found that I get so much more done and am in such a good mood any time I listen to music. I also learned that I REALLY like Do Whop (don't judge). I know a lot of the songs, they make me feel energetic, there are no "bad" words or "tough" situations that I have to explain to my kids and (the most important thing) I can dance to most of the songs! Talk about your mood changer. Just try to be in a bad mood and listen to Do Whop, I bet you cant do it (unless you hate Do Whop).
As for the rest of my goals for January, I learned a lot of things about me through them as well.
First off, getting up at 5am SUCKS!!!! I can't do it, I tried and tried, but since my house isn't exactly hopping that early in the morning, I got my morning program done and still had time to spare. In my case that isn't always a good thing. Lets face it, there is only so much you can do in the morning while your kids are still sleeping. So I started to find myself on the couch catching up on shows and then once my kids got up it was chaos as usual. Then, after they were off to school it was hard for me not to land back on the couch or to goof around on Facebook. So, I changed my expectations and found a happy medium. Now, my wake up time varies on what the day holds. I normally get up when my husband gets up, make him breakfast and get him out the door. Then I focus on my kitchen and laundry until the girls are up. After that, its a blur until H gets on the bus and C, R and I head to their school or the gym. I have found that, if I start the day off going steady, I can finish the day going steady and might even have a little time in the afternoon to complete a project or catch up on shows.
While getting up early was difficult at the beginning, going to bed on time was not. I was so worn out at night that I practically passed out as my head hit the pillow. I wasn't used to my workout regiment, the early wake up calls were brutal and my "energetic self" was so energetic during the day that I definitely looked forward to bed time every night.
Once I got used to everything (probably by the 2nd week) it was a lot easier to stay up and spend that extra time with my husband, but then I wasn't getting enough sleep. It was and still is a balancing act. The weekends I still struggle with, but most days I can talk myself into going to bed tired or not.
Eating better, drinking more water, watching my steps, acting more energetic and exercising better were all a HUGE success in my book! I think having other things to focus on besides just the scale has really helped me. I feel more confident in my body and while the process is slow, I know I will get there and I'm even learning to love myself as I am now. Apparently, it wasn't my body I really needed to change, it was my journey and the reason I was on it to begin with. Being happy is much better then being "skinny". Now, I just want to be healthy, fit and happy.
I am also happy to report that I am seeing a change! I took beginning and end of January pictures and I can really see a difference. I only lost about 2 pounds, but I'm OK with that. Loving the NSVs!
As far as tossing, restoring and organizing goes, my house is still not a clutter free zone, but I am on my way! I tackle a big, nagging task every week, pick up throughout the day and do a little every day so I can enjoy the weekends with my family and friends.
The one thing that I haven't been so great at is stretching. I thought I wanted to be one of those people that got up every morning and stretched, but turns out that isn't for me. I get out of bed and want coffee, I don't want to stretch. Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! So, I settled for stretching before and after workouts and any time I felt stressed or sore. It seemed to work out OK for me and the best part about it is I don't have to feel guilty because I don't like stretching in the morning. Its just not me. Who knew?
A couple of unexpected, amazing things happened this month as well.
Several of my close friends had been contacting me to hang out more. At first, I wasn't sure I would have time with all of my Project V stuff. I had a month dedicated to spending more time with loved ones and this month was supposed to be about my energy. However, in the end I decided that my friends were more important to me. Why would I wait? If I don't take the time now, who says they will be around then?
I also got an invite to join a bible study once a week and to try a new church. Again, I had a dedicated month to focus on my relationship (and my children's) with God. I didn't want to add even more to my plate and lose focus on my goals this month. Some how, everything worked out perfectly and the Bible Study ended up being AT THE GYM and on my rest/catch up day. How cool is that?
Taking the time to let in both of these unforeseen things gave me something I never expected, more energy. In spending time with my friends, gaining new ones and spending a little more time with my spiritual side I noticed that I woke up each morning happier and more energetic.
My last unexpected win was that I started thinking about my career of choice when my girls are all in school. Thats my major goal during this project and I really didn't think I would want to start thinking about it until later this year. It has been a huge source of stress for me and I wanted to tuck it away somewhere in the dark until I forced myself to deal with it. What I found was (simply put), I didn't need to do that. By unveiling a part of me that has been absent for so long (my energy), I was able to start putting the pieces together of what I want to be and who I really am.
Its all still a puzzle, but the border pieces are starting to come together and I can't wait to see what the big picture will be!
Bring on February!
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
What I want Before I'm Done: The alomst 7 year old bucket list that still rings true today.
Today, as I was randomly scrolling through Facebook I found a post about Household planners and thought to myself, "What a brilliant idea! Why hadn't I thought of that!"
So, being the list loving, office supply obsessed person that I am, I immediately jumped into this project.However, what I found in the process was a me that I thought I lost a long time ago.
I made a plan on what my household planner would entail and got to work. I pulled out my tote of office supplies from the basement (yup, I'm that in love), I went to my closet and dusted off my old paperwork divider with the notion of making it something else and I dug through my desk to get all of that stuff tucked away neat and tidy. I started to tackle a little bit of several nagging tasks that are on one of my many lists. It fell really good to get started on these things, but all of a sudden, my progress was stopped dead. The old paper divider that I dragged out of my closet was like a time capsule I hadn't touched since 2009. It held everything from 2008 to 2009. Bills and statements to funny post cards from my best friends' college days and every kind of greeting card you can think of. That year was my "growing up" year.
When my oldest daughter was born in May of 2007, I started noticing things in her father's and my relationship that I hadnt noticed before. It was then that I decided our lives need to change. I needed to grow up and being with him was not only keeping me from that, it was also showing my daughter that it was exceptable to put up with all that I did. So, after her first birthday I started making preparations to move out and a few months later we did just that. I was free! I was reborn and not about to waste my second chance for me and my daughter.
I had a plan and here is the list I came up with to do just that.
What I want before I'm done
Travel
Learn to shoot a gun
Learn to shoot a bow
Bow Fish
Go hunting
Teach my daughter EVERYTHING I know
Drive a stick
Drive a motorcycle
Get married
Have a family
Buy a house
Help people - families, strangers, kids
Finish school
Depend on me and only me
Be a better Christian
Read more
Learn different languages
Get more involved in the community and school
Get invovled in a good caouse
Just be involved
Be happy with just me
Fall in love, I mean really in love
Take dance lessons
Dance regularly
Almost 7 years later, I have crossed a bunch of things off of that list.
I met the love of my life and yes we are really in love. Together we bought a house, had a family, traveled a little (and will continue to) and are in the process of teaching our daughters everything we know. I dance all the time, I don't care who is watching. I get as involved in school things and community events as I can and plan to get even more involved as my girls get older. I'm working on being a better Christian, getting involved and helping others, but I think those things will never really be crossed of my list. Can you ever really do enough of that?
There is still a lot still left undone though. One major thing that sticks out more then the others is "to be happy with just me". How can I have come so far in so many ways, but still struggle with something like that?
This year is my year, this year its going to happen. I'm finally going to be able to look at this list and cross off some of these things that I was too afraid to cross off before.
I'm finally going to be able to say, I love me just as I am and I don't care if anyone doesn't agree!
So, being the list loving, office supply obsessed person that I am, I immediately jumped into this project.However, what I found in the process was a me that I thought I lost a long time ago.
I made a plan on what my household planner would entail and got to work. I pulled out my tote of office supplies from the basement (yup, I'm that in love), I went to my closet and dusted off my old paperwork divider with the notion of making it something else and I dug through my desk to get all of that stuff tucked away neat and tidy. I started to tackle a little bit of several nagging tasks that are on one of my many lists. It fell really good to get started on these things, but all of a sudden, my progress was stopped dead. The old paper divider that I dragged out of my closet was like a time capsule I hadn't touched since 2009. It held everything from 2008 to 2009. Bills and statements to funny post cards from my best friends' college days and every kind of greeting card you can think of. That year was my "growing up" year.
When my oldest daughter was born in May of 2007, I started noticing things in her father's and my relationship that I hadnt noticed before. It was then that I decided our lives need to change. I needed to grow up and being with him was not only keeping me from that, it was also showing my daughter that it was exceptable to put up with all that I did. So, after her first birthday I started making preparations to move out and a few months later we did just that. I was free! I was reborn and not about to waste my second chance for me and my daughter.
I had a plan and here is the list I came up with to do just that.
What I want before I'm done
Travel
Learn to shoot a gun
Learn to shoot a bow
Bow Fish
Go hunting
Teach my daughter EVERYTHING I know
Drive a stick
Drive a motorcycle
Get married
Have a family
Buy a house
Help people - families, strangers, kids
Finish school
Depend on me and only me
Be a better Christian
Read more
Learn different languages
Get more involved in the community and school
Get invovled in a good caouse
Just be involved
Be happy with just me
Fall in love, I mean really in love
Take dance lessons
Dance regularly
Almost 7 years later, I have crossed a bunch of things off of that list.
I met the love of my life and yes we are really in love. Together we bought a house, had a family, traveled a little (and will continue to) and are in the process of teaching our daughters everything we know. I dance all the time, I don't care who is watching. I get as involved in school things and community events as I can and plan to get even more involved as my girls get older. I'm working on being a better Christian, getting involved and helping others, but I think those things will never really be crossed of my list. Can you ever really do enough of that?
There is still a lot still left undone though. One major thing that sticks out more then the others is "to be happy with just me". How can I have come so far in so many ways, but still struggle with something like that?
This year is my year, this year its going to happen. I'm finally going to be able to look at this list and cross off some of these things that I was too afraid to cross off before.
I'm finally going to be able to say, I love me just as I am and I don't care if anyone doesn't agree!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
My Happiness Project: The Basics and January
As most of you know, I recently read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and I am so very pleased to announce that I am ready to start my own Happiness Project.
To some, this may seem silly but to me its a chance to finally find what makes me, well, ME.
For most of my life it has been about making others happy or getting people's approval. I'm not sure I have ever really done anything just because it made me happy. In fact, even my weight lose journey started out because of a fear. What did the outside world see when they looked at me?
I remember telling my husband that I wanted to "be the whole package for him". I was already the Super Mom/50s housewife that I wanted to be, but I also wanted to be the Trophy Wife other people seemed to be. I thought that if I looked good on the outside, maybe I would finally feel OK on the inside.
Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. Each week that passed by on my journey just added more pressure to "look good" and see results. Don't get my wrong I have definitely seen results, but just not the way I was expecting to and when I wasn't seeing the results as fast as I liked, I became depressed. This got me thinking, Is this really making me happy? Am I truly doing any of this for me? Do I really want to spend anymore of my time feeling not good enough? Well, no I don't! You get one life and I'm not going to waste anymore of mine feeling like I owe the world anything.
After coming to that realization, I decided to not only turn my "weight lose journey" into a "getting fit journey", but also into an all around "lets find the real me amongst all the BS I have been choking down my entire life" journey. Hence the happiness project and my 2015 resolution to find a more happy, healthy me.
So, here it goes!
Per the book, I needed 12 commandments to live by and some "Secrets to Adulthood" to get me through the tough days. Some of these things I followed the book on, but others didn't apply to me so I changed them. I also added in two mini challenges for each month and one big challenge for the whole year.
Below are my commandments, my secrets to adulthood, my mini challenges, my challenge for the year and Januarys' goals. The rest I will update you on later.
To some, this may seem silly but to me its a chance to finally find what makes me, well, ME.
For most of my life it has been about making others happy or getting people's approval. I'm not sure I have ever really done anything just because it made me happy. In fact, even my weight lose journey started out because of a fear. What did the outside world see when they looked at me?
I remember telling my husband that I wanted to "be the whole package for him". I was already the Super Mom/50s housewife that I wanted to be, but I also wanted to be the Trophy Wife other people seemed to be. I thought that if I looked good on the outside, maybe I would finally feel OK on the inside.
Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. Each week that passed by on my journey just added more pressure to "look good" and see results. Don't get my wrong I have definitely seen results, but just not the way I was expecting to and when I wasn't seeing the results as fast as I liked, I became depressed. This got me thinking, Is this really making me happy? Am I truly doing any of this for me? Do I really want to spend anymore of my time feeling not good enough? Well, no I don't! You get one life and I'm not going to waste anymore of mine feeling like I owe the world anything.
After coming to that realization, I decided to not only turn my "weight lose journey" into a "getting fit journey", but also into an all around "lets find the real me amongst all the BS I have been choking down my entire life" journey. Hence the happiness project and my 2015 resolution to find a more happy, healthy me.
So, here it goes!
Per the book, I needed 12 commandments to live by and some "Secrets to Adulthood" to get me through the tough days. Some of these things I followed the book on, but others didn't apply to me so I changed them. I also added in two mini challenges for each month and one big challenge for the whole year.
Below are my commandments, my secrets to adulthood, my mini challenges, my challenge for the year and Januarys' goals. The rest I will update you on later.
Happiness Project
12 Commandments:
1) Be Victoria - I have a hard time remembering that, especially in crowds or around new people.
2) Let it go - Yup, kind of like in Frozen. Is it really worth hanging on to?
3) ABLE - My best friends' mom used to say this. Act it, Believe it, Live it, Express it.
4) Do what ought to be done - Don't put it off until the last minute. Just do it.
5) Be polite and fair
6) Enjoy to process - its not going to happen over night.
7) Identify the problem - I like to shut down when things get hard, but it just makes everything worse.
8) Be thankful - appreciate what you have and what you don't have
9) Look to God
10) Take the time - don't rush and do it half arsed
11) Lighten up - life is too short
12) There is only love
Secrets to Adulthood:
People don't notice mistakes as much as you think.
It's OK to ask for help.
Do good, feel good.
It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.
By doing a little bit each day, you can accomplish a lot.
If you can't find something, clean up.
What you do EVERYDAY matters more then what you do EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
If you're not failing you're not trying hard enough.
You don't have to be good at everything.
No deposit, no return.
Mini Challenges - Each month:
1) Try something new
2) Tackle a nagging task
Challenge for the Year:
1) When the kids are older, what career do I see myself in? - Start working towards that goal.
January: Energy (physical and mental)
1) Get up earlier
2) Stretch more
3) Eat better
4) Go to sleep earlier
5) Exercise
6) Toss, restore and organize
7) Work smart - pay attention how you spend your days
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
The Waltz also known as Life. My Life as a Grown Up.
Most days, I feel like a kid trapped in an adults body. I realize now that while I dreamed of growing up and the things I would do, I wasn't ready and most days, I'm still not.
I don't have a time machine, I can't go back, obviously. Nor do I think I really want to. While in my dream state, I have actually built a pretty great life for myself, even if I wasn't ready to live it.
I was scared, so I hid in my shell and put myself in autopilot until I could brave the big, wide world.
Now, the veil has been lifted and I am truly awake for the first time in too long. I'm ready to put myself back in the drivers seat of my own life and not be afraid to face the curves that are ahead.
I turned 28 this past month. Not quite 30, but definitely not 25 either. I realize now that I haven't had the conventional life. I have lived in a topsy turvy world that, until recently, wasn't in the "normal" order of things.
At 17 I felt grown up (boy do I laugh at that person now), agreed to marry a man at 18, moved in with him and had a baby all before turning 21. We never did get married or move forward in our life together. We just kind of sat there, stuck for a long time. Until one day, I realized that this wasn't the life I wanted. It wasn't what my daughter deserved and I needed to get out of that life as quickly as I could. It took me a year, but I did it. I took one step forward, only to move two steps back.
At 22, I took my 1 year old daughter, moved in with my parents and went back to work. During that year I also met my future husband (who I hated at first), went back to school and at 23 got pregnant with my second daughter. From there, K and I moved in together, had our baby, got engaged, found out we were pregnant again, got married, bought a house, had our third baby and moved to another city. All of this was in a 2 year span and the next 3 were almost as crazy. Two steps back and three steps forward again.
I have danced this dance for a long time, but until this year I had never really felt like an adult. Like I was in charge of my own life. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, never mind if it made me happy or not. Miraculously, the decisions I had made did, in fact, make me happy. I have an amazing husband/marriage and three beautiful kids, a family that loves me, a few close friends and a bright future ahead of me.
I did pretty good for being on autopilot for more then half of my 20s, my only regret is that I didn't have the courage to put myself in the driver's seat before. Where would I be with my fitness goals if I had started after the birth of my first child? Would I be in my dream profession already if I had stayed in school and gotten a degree? Who knows, what I do know is that this amazing, imperfect, blessed life that I have built is just going to get more wonderful as the years go on. I will take the wheel and venture down this road with both eyes on the horizon. I will no longer hide from the challenges that await me, because I am strong and I have finally found the best person to be in charge of my life. ME.
It may have taken me 28 years to finally feel like I am in control of my own life, but I'm here.
I'm ready to take charge and I'm (finally) proud of who I have become.
I'm all grown up.
I don't have a time machine, I can't go back, obviously. Nor do I think I really want to. While in my dream state, I have actually built a pretty great life for myself, even if I wasn't ready to live it.
I was scared, so I hid in my shell and put myself in autopilot until I could brave the big, wide world.
Now, the veil has been lifted and I am truly awake for the first time in too long. I'm ready to put myself back in the drivers seat of my own life and not be afraid to face the curves that are ahead.
I turned 28 this past month. Not quite 30, but definitely not 25 either. I realize now that I haven't had the conventional life. I have lived in a topsy turvy world that, until recently, wasn't in the "normal" order of things.
At 17 I felt grown up (boy do I laugh at that person now), agreed to marry a man at 18, moved in with him and had a baby all before turning 21. We never did get married or move forward in our life together. We just kind of sat there, stuck for a long time. Until one day, I realized that this wasn't the life I wanted. It wasn't what my daughter deserved and I needed to get out of that life as quickly as I could. It took me a year, but I did it. I took one step forward, only to move two steps back.
At 22, I took my 1 year old daughter, moved in with my parents and went back to work. During that year I also met my future husband (who I hated at first), went back to school and at 23 got pregnant with my second daughter. From there, K and I moved in together, had our baby, got engaged, found out we were pregnant again, got married, bought a house, had our third baby and moved to another city. All of this was in a 2 year span and the next 3 were almost as crazy. Two steps back and three steps forward again.
I have danced this dance for a long time, but until this year I had never really felt like an adult. Like I was in charge of my own life. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, never mind if it made me happy or not. Miraculously, the decisions I had made did, in fact, make me happy. I have an amazing husband/marriage and three beautiful kids, a family that loves me, a few close friends and a bright future ahead of me.
I did pretty good for being on autopilot for more then half of my 20s, my only regret is that I didn't have the courage to put myself in the driver's seat before. Where would I be with my fitness goals if I had started after the birth of my first child? Would I be in my dream profession already if I had stayed in school and gotten a degree? Who knows, what I do know is that this amazing, imperfect, blessed life that I have built is just going to get more wonderful as the years go on. I will take the wheel and venture down this road with both eyes on the horizon. I will no longer hide from the challenges that await me, because I am strong and I have finally found the best person to be in charge of my life. ME.
It may have taken me 28 years to finally feel like I am in control of my own life, but I'm here.
I'm ready to take charge and I'm (finally) proud of who I have become.
I'm all grown up.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Summer Schedule Shenanigans
Its officially Summer, wohoo!
I am one of those weird moms that actually enjoys having their kids home for the summer. I love all of the fun it brings, but it can also cause complete and total chaos in my house if I let it.
To keep my head from exploding, I needed a plan. Before school ended I managed to carve out some time, in between Teacher Appreciation Week and End of School parties/activities, to set up our summer. One thing is for sure, we definitely won't be bored!
The key with my kids is, if they are busy and active they will have less time to pick on each other or get into trouble. Being bored is the worst thing for my three girls (and my husband for that matter). When left to their own devices for too long, they tend to figure out new ways to drive Mommy slowly nuts. Or they want to "help" with activities definitely not fit for little people.
Once my 4 hour planning session was wrapped up, I had a complete wall (literally) of summer stuff sure to keep their busy hands and minds, well, busy. We have a Weekly Schedule, a Daily Schedule, a Chore Chart, lists of activities we want to do on a regular basis and another list for things we want to do at least once this summer. I also have Summer School stuff to keep their minds fresh.
There is a ton of stuff on Pinterest to help you organize everything and give you ideas to fill in any gaps. My main thing was keeping them happy and productive, but not always in need of my supervision. That way I could have breaks to work on some of the goals I set for myself this summer (plus the super popular cleaning/cooking that is still required).
Once I got the girls' stuff in order, it was time to figure out what I wanted out of this summer.
I would, of course, continue my journey to Donutism. This part was tough, how was I going to workout almost every day AND keep up with my fun theme days? I decided that I could do it all, I just needed to stick to my charts and if all else fails, I can complete a home workout video during nap/quiet time.
I also want to focus on getting my business stuff ready for my launch this fall. That means research all of my recipes, get them perfect, find a logo, make a website and a million other things. It gave me a headache to make this long list, but once it was completed and in front of me I felt a little better. I just need to take one step at a time. Nap/quiet time would serve as a good way to get this stuff done.
My blog and Mother's Group were other areas that needed my attention. Lately, I have felt guilty for not being more active, so those were other things to add to the list. If I can focus on writing/editing 3 times a week, I figured that was better then nothing. Better then I have been doing anyway!
I can't take it all too seriously though. If we miss part of our day because we found something else to keep us busy, its ok. Its all about having a fun, productive summer with my babies and accomplishing some things that are important to me. If my 4 year old doesn't learn to write her whole alphabet this summer, it wont be the end of the world. She will learn it in preschool, but as long as she is inspired to learn, we will try our best.
Family comes first, but I am learning to put my projects at a close second. If I take a little time for me each day, I have learned that I can enjoy my time with the girls more. I feel better and have more energy when I workout and when I write, I feel like my mind is suddenly less full of the "stuff" that can weigh me down emotionally.
They are only little once, I'm going to enjoy every moment of it!
I am one of those weird moms that actually enjoys having their kids home for the summer. I love all of the fun it brings, but it can also cause complete and total chaos in my house if I let it.
To keep my head from exploding, I needed a plan. Before school ended I managed to carve out some time, in between Teacher Appreciation Week and End of School parties/activities, to set up our summer. One thing is for sure, we definitely won't be bored!
The key with my kids is, if they are busy and active they will have less time to pick on each other or get into trouble. Being bored is the worst thing for my three girls (and my husband for that matter). When left to their own devices for too long, they tend to figure out new ways to drive Mommy slowly nuts. Or they want to "help" with activities definitely not fit for little people.
Once my 4 hour planning session was wrapped up, I had a complete wall (literally) of summer stuff sure to keep their busy hands and minds, well, busy. We have a Weekly Schedule, a Daily Schedule, a Chore Chart, lists of activities we want to do on a regular basis and another list for things we want to do at least once this summer. I also have Summer School stuff to keep their minds fresh.
There is a ton of stuff on Pinterest to help you organize everything and give you ideas to fill in any gaps. My main thing was keeping them happy and productive, but not always in need of my supervision. That way I could have breaks to work on some of the goals I set for myself this summer (plus the super popular cleaning/cooking that is still required).
Once I got the girls' stuff in order, it was time to figure out what I wanted out of this summer.
I would, of course, continue my journey to Donutism. This part was tough, how was I going to workout almost every day AND keep up with my fun theme days? I decided that I could do it all, I just needed to stick to my charts and if all else fails, I can complete a home workout video during nap/quiet time.
I also want to focus on getting my business stuff ready for my launch this fall. That means research all of my recipes, get them perfect, find a logo, make a website and a million other things. It gave me a headache to make this long list, but once it was completed and in front of me I felt a little better. I just need to take one step at a time. Nap/quiet time would serve as a good way to get this stuff done.
My blog and Mother's Group were other areas that needed my attention. Lately, I have felt guilty for not being more active, so those were other things to add to the list. If I can focus on writing/editing 3 times a week, I figured that was better then nothing. Better then I have been doing anyway!
I can't take it all too seriously though. If we miss part of our day because we found something else to keep us busy, its ok. Its all about having a fun, productive summer with my babies and accomplishing some things that are important to me. If my 4 year old doesn't learn to write her whole alphabet this summer, it wont be the end of the world. She will learn it in preschool, but as long as she is inspired to learn, we will try our best.
Family comes first, but I am learning to put my projects at a close second. If I take a little time for me each day, I have learned that I can enjoy my time with the girls more. I feel better and have more energy when I workout and when I write, I feel like my mind is suddenly less full of the "stuff" that can weigh me down emotionally.
They are only little once, I'm going to enjoy every moment of it!
Monday, June 2, 2014
On the Road again - Recovery and Moving Forward
Recovery? What recovery?
Don't forget I still have 3 little girls at home that need their Mama in working order. I will say, it is infinitely more easy to recover from child birth without a newborn needing you constantly.
I had Mr. D on a Thursday, was out of the hospital the next day and on my way back to Wichita by Sunday afternoon. The trip home was uncomfortable, but being home with my little family was the most amazing feeling. We were home for 6 whole weeks! That might not seem like much, but to a family that had traveled every single weekend, it was heaven!
My recovery wasn't all together that interesting, the worst part were my breasts when my milk came in. Believe me, I tried EVERYTHING to stop it, but it came anyway. I tried icing my breasts, cabbage leaves and a bunch of other silly things to help the swelling, but the thing that finally worked was just standing in the shower and manually pumping a little. For a week, my breasts felt like rocks, but eventually they did get better and I wasn't the only one that was relieved, my husband was worried I would hack those suckers off at one point.
Now, its all about finding a bra (and clothes) that fit properly. My body has changed a ton and is still changing. Finding clothes is a constant challenge!
I miss D, but its more then that, I miss N & R just as much. After seeing them every week for the better part of 6 weeks, its hard not to. I miss the little circle we had become and I am sad that I won't be there to witness every new adventure they will encounter. N keeps me up to date though, I get every email, text and picture known to man to keep me involved in their every day lives. We also visit each other frequently and when we do, I get a free pass to hold D as much as I want to and (of course) I want to!
I never really went through the baby blues or postpartum depression like most people thought I would. I never had the "missing my baby" feeling, but I think that was due to that fact that I never felt like D was my baby. He was always N&R's little one and even though I was attached to him, I wasn't too attached that I couldn't say goodbye when the time came.
Plus, I am way too excited to start new adventures of my own.
First off, I am resuming my journey to Donutism. I took that first full week off from working out, but knew in two short weeks from having D I would have a 5k to participate in. I walked it, of course, but still made really good time and it felt good to push myself again.
I try to workout every day during the week and sometimes on the weekends if I have the time. I have noticed, not only physical changes, but also emotional ones. I have more patience with my girls, I don't get depressed nearly as often and I handle my husband's crazy work schedule so much better now. I'm not perfect and don't always get all of my workouts in during the week, but I am able to give myself a little slack and know that the next week I will total rock out again. I don't want to start over again and that keeps me going.
It is amazing to have my body back and I can't wait to see where the rest of the year takes me on this fitness journey. Warrior Up!
I am also working on starting my own business. My husband recently asked me what I wanted to do when I went back to work, what my dream job would be and I couldn't answer him. I was already a mom and that was always what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I needed a new dream and since the Surrogacy journey came to a close, I now had a wide open future. I was free to start the next stage of my life, but where to start? I realized I love to cook, bake and everything in between. When it comes down to it, I just want to feed people. I'm going to start out slow, probably out of my home, but my ultimate goal is to open a bakery/cafe/lunch place someday. While I thought I would wait to get the ball rolling, I keep getting signs that I should start the process now, so I'm taking the summer to prefect my recipes and get everything organized. I hope you will check out The Twisted Biscuit when it launches, Fall 2014.
As always, I am a mom and wife first. I love being able to spoil my family like I did before.
This summer is jam packed, full of adventure and I'm ready for it all!
Don't forget I still have 3 little girls at home that need their Mama in working order. I will say, it is infinitely more easy to recover from child birth without a newborn needing you constantly.
I had Mr. D on a Thursday, was out of the hospital the next day and on my way back to Wichita by Sunday afternoon. The trip home was uncomfortable, but being home with my little family was the most amazing feeling. We were home for 6 whole weeks! That might not seem like much, but to a family that had traveled every single weekend, it was heaven!
My recovery wasn't all together that interesting, the worst part were my breasts when my milk came in. Believe me, I tried EVERYTHING to stop it, but it came anyway. I tried icing my breasts, cabbage leaves and a bunch of other silly things to help the swelling, but the thing that finally worked was just standing in the shower and manually pumping a little. For a week, my breasts felt like rocks, but eventually they did get better and I wasn't the only one that was relieved, my husband was worried I would hack those suckers off at one point.
Now, its all about finding a bra (and clothes) that fit properly. My body has changed a ton and is still changing. Finding clothes is a constant challenge!
I miss D, but its more then that, I miss N & R just as much. After seeing them every week for the better part of 6 weeks, its hard not to. I miss the little circle we had become and I am sad that I won't be there to witness every new adventure they will encounter. N keeps me up to date though, I get every email, text and picture known to man to keep me involved in their every day lives. We also visit each other frequently and when we do, I get a free pass to hold D as much as I want to and (of course) I want to!
I never really went through the baby blues or postpartum depression like most people thought I would. I never had the "missing my baby" feeling, but I think that was due to that fact that I never felt like D was my baby. He was always N&R's little one and even though I was attached to him, I wasn't too attached that I couldn't say goodbye when the time came.
Plus, I am way too excited to start new adventures of my own.
First off, I am resuming my journey to Donutism. I took that first full week off from working out, but knew in two short weeks from having D I would have a 5k to participate in. I walked it, of course, but still made really good time and it felt good to push myself again.
I try to workout every day during the week and sometimes on the weekends if I have the time. I have noticed, not only physical changes, but also emotional ones. I have more patience with my girls, I don't get depressed nearly as often and I handle my husband's crazy work schedule so much better now. I'm not perfect and don't always get all of my workouts in during the week, but I am able to give myself a little slack and know that the next week I will total rock out again. I don't want to start over again and that keeps me going.
It is amazing to have my body back and I can't wait to see where the rest of the year takes me on this fitness journey. Warrior Up!
I am also working on starting my own business. My husband recently asked me what I wanted to do when I went back to work, what my dream job would be and I couldn't answer him. I was already a mom and that was always what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I needed a new dream and since the Surrogacy journey came to a close, I now had a wide open future. I was free to start the next stage of my life, but where to start? I realized I love to cook, bake and everything in between. When it comes down to it, I just want to feed people. I'm going to start out slow, probably out of my home, but my ultimate goal is to open a bakery/cafe/lunch place someday. While I thought I would wait to get the ball rolling, I keep getting signs that I should start the process now, so I'm taking the summer to prefect my recipes and get everything organized. I hope you will check out The Twisted Biscuit when it launches, Fall 2014.
As always, I am a mom and wife first. I love being able to spoil my family like I did before.
This summer is jam packed, full of adventure and I'm ready for it all!
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