From the beginning, my husband and I have agreed to give the facts and be honest with our children when they ask us questions. Whether its the uncomfortable "parts" conversation or what it means to be a Gestational Carrier for our beloved cousins. Our girls are still young enough that they may ask a few questions, but once those are answered, they except the information given to them and move on.
I know that will change later on, so I am enjoying it while I can.
When approaching the Surrogacy topic with our older girls (R is only 23 months), we decided to start, as always, with the facts. They knew N & R didn't have kids and they also knew that we love them a ton, so I started with that. I told H and C the story of how N got sick and had to have her uterus removed. C quickly lost interest, but H was very saddened by this and continued to listen. Then I explained that while we weren't going to have any more children, I could still help by putting the baby in my uterus. I told them the doctor takes a piece (or cell) of N and an piece (or cell) of R, the doctor then takes those cells, puts them together and with God's help, they turn into a tiny little baby (or embryo). Once the cells turn into an embryo, the doctor puts it in my uterus and the baby stays in there and grows until its ready to come out.
After my explanation, H only had a few questions. Is the baby staying with us? and Do I get to hold it? To this I told her no, the baby wouldn't stay with us because its N&R's baby. We have a family and being a Surrogate is about helping a family that has lots of love in it, but can't have children to share that love with. I also told her that since we were cousins and N&R love us very much we will get to go visit and hold the baby a ton. Just because we decided not to have any more children doesn't mean I don't love snuggling with other people's, I am human!
Later, N bought the girls a couple of children's books about surrogates and their families. One had a kangaroo family and the other had a opossum family. We liked the analogy of the doctor putting the baby in a pouch instead of explaining to a 5 year old the exact procedure. However, the books were a little too fiction for my "all about the facts" daughter and she quickly poked holes in the "fairy tale parts" of the book. For example, in one of the books it said that the baby was made with "magic and love", to this H said, 'Aren't ALL babies made with magic and love?" Well played kid, well played.
She also didn't buy the part where the "Magical Koala" put a "seed" in the aunt opossum's pouch, H wanted the real story. I just told her that in this story the Koala is the doctor and the seed is the embryo. After that, she seemed ok with the idea of Mommy being a Surrogate and even got excited about talking to the baby, playing music for it and holding it later on. Even though C lost interest in the whole discussion rather quickly, she does love to rub my belly and decorate it with stickers. She calls it "decorating the baby's room". Even R can see that some changes are taking place in our household and mimics her sisters' actions by rubbing my stomach and saying "There's a baby in there!".
While it may be difficult for others in my family and friend circles to understand why we chose to be a Surrogate, my children are fully aware and informed. Its more then that though, they are just as excited as I am. H and I often sit and talk about the fun things we will get to do with the baby and how wonderful it will be to see N&R's family take off. Its a special gift that I can share with, not only N&R, but with my children. It shows them how to care about the ones you love, how to help if you are able and not to judge if someone does something you don't understand.
Unconditional love and support is a powerful gift. It's also something we have in spades, why not share it?
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