Most days, I feel like a kid trapped in an adults body. I realize now that while I dreamed of growing up and the things I would do, I wasn't ready and most days, I'm still not.
I don't have a time machine, I can't go back, obviously. Nor do I think I really want to. While in my dream state, I have actually built a pretty great life for myself, even if I wasn't ready to live it.
I was scared, so I hid in my shell and put myself in autopilot until I could brave the big, wide world.
Now, the veil has been lifted and I am truly awake for the first time in too long. I'm ready to put myself back in the drivers seat of my own life and not be afraid to face the curves that are ahead.
I turned 28 this past month. Not quite 30, but definitely not 25 either. I realize now that I haven't had the conventional life. I have lived in a topsy turvy world that, until recently, wasn't in the "normal" order of things.
At 17 I felt grown up (boy do I laugh at that person now), agreed to marry a man at 18, moved in with him and had a baby all before turning 21. We never did get married or move forward in our life together. We just kind of sat there, stuck for a long time. Until one day, I realized that this wasn't the life I wanted. It wasn't what my daughter deserved and I needed to get out of that life as quickly as I could. It took me a year, but I did it. I took one step forward, only to move two steps back.
At 22, I took my 1 year old daughter, moved in with my parents and went back to work. During that year I also met my future husband (who I hated at first), went back to school and at 23 got pregnant with my second daughter. From there, K and I moved in together, had our baby, got engaged, found out we were pregnant again, got married, bought a house, had our third baby and moved to another city. All of this was in a 2 year span and the next 3 were almost as crazy. Two steps back and three steps forward again.
I have danced this dance for a long time, but until this year I had never really felt like an adult. Like I was in charge of my own life. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, never mind if it made me happy or not. Miraculously, the decisions I had made did, in fact, make me happy. I have an amazing husband/marriage and three beautiful kids, a family that loves me, a few close friends and a bright future ahead of me.
I did pretty good for being on autopilot for more then half of my 20s, my only regret is that I didn't have the courage to put myself in the driver's seat before. Where would I be with my fitness goals if I had started after the birth of my first child? Would I be in my dream profession already if I had stayed in school and gotten a degree? Who knows, what I do know is that this amazing, imperfect, blessed life that I have built is just going to get more wonderful as the years go on. I will take the wheel and venture down this road with both eyes on the horizon. I will no longer hide from the challenges that await me, because I am strong and I have finally found the best person to be in charge of my life. ME.
It may have taken me 28 years to finally feel like I am in control of my own life, but I'm here.
I'm ready to take charge and I'm (finally) proud of who I have become.
I'm all grown up.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Summer Schedule Shenanigans
Its officially Summer, wohoo!
I am one of those weird moms that actually enjoys having their kids home for the summer. I love all of the fun it brings, but it can also cause complete and total chaos in my house if I let it.
To keep my head from exploding, I needed a plan. Before school ended I managed to carve out some time, in between Teacher Appreciation Week and End of School parties/activities, to set up our summer. One thing is for sure, we definitely won't be bored!
The key with my kids is, if they are busy and active they will have less time to pick on each other or get into trouble. Being bored is the worst thing for my three girls (and my husband for that matter). When left to their own devices for too long, they tend to figure out new ways to drive Mommy slowly nuts. Or they want to "help" with activities definitely not fit for little people.
Once my 4 hour planning session was wrapped up, I had a complete wall (literally) of summer stuff sure to keep their busy hands and minds, well, busy. We have a Weekly Schedule, a Daily Schedule, a Chore Chart, lists of activities we want to do on a regular basis and another list for things we want to do at least once this summer. I also have Summer School stuff to keep their minds fresh.
There is a ton of stuff on Pinterest to help you organize everything and give you ideas to fill in any gaps. My main thing was keeping them happy and productive, but not always in need of my supervision. That way I could have breaks to work on some of the goals I set for myself this summer (plus the super popular cleaning/cooking that is still required).
Once I got the girls' stuff in order, it was time to figure out what I wanted out of this summer.
I would, of course, continue my journey to Donutism. This part was tough, how was I going to workout almost every day AND keep up with my fun theme days? I decided that I could do it all, I just needed to stick to my charts and if all else fails, I can complete a home workout video during nap/quiet time.
I also want to focus on getting my business stuff ready for my launch this fall. That means research all of my recipes, get them perfect, find a logo, make a website and a million other things. It gave me a headache to make this long list, but once it was completed and in front of me I felt a little better. I just need to take one step at a time. Nap/quiet time would serve as a good way to get this stuff done.
My blog and Mother's Group were other areas that needed my attention. Lately, I have felt guilty for not being more active, so those were other things to add to the list. If I can focus on writing/editing 3 times a week, I figured that was better then nothing. Better then I have been doing anyway!
I can't take it all too seriously though. If we miss part of our day because we found something else to keep us busy, its ok. Its all about having a fun, productive summer with my babies and accomplishing some things that are important to me. If my 4 year old doesn't learn to write her whole alphabet this summer, it wont be the end of the world. She will learn it in preschool, but as long as she is inspired to learn, we will try our best.
Family comes first, but I am learning to put my projects at a close second. If I take a little time for me each day, I have learned that I can enjoy my time with the girls more. I feel better and have more energy when I workout and when I write, I feel like my mind is suddenly less full of the "stuff" that can weigh me down emotionally.
They are only little once, I'm going to enjoy every moment of it!
I am one of those weird moms that actually enjoys having their kids home for the summer. I love all of the fun it brings, but it can also cause complete and total chaos in my house if I let it.
To keep my head from exploding, I needed a plan. Before school ended I managed to carve out some time, in between Teacher Appreciation Week and End of School parties/activities, to set up our summer. One thing is for sure, we definitely won't be bored!
The key with my kids is, if they are busy and active they will have less time to pick on each other or get into trouble. Being bored is the worst thing for my three girls (and my husband for that matter). When left to their own devices for too long, they tend to figure out new ways to drive Mommy slowly nuts. Or they want to "help" with activities definitely not fit for little people.
Once my 4 hour planning session was wrapped up, I had a complete wall (literally) of summer stuff sure to keep their busy hands and minds, well, busy. We have a Weekly Schedule, a Daily Schedule, a Chore Chart, lists of activities we want to do on a regular basis and another list for things we want to do at least once this summer. I also have Summer School stuff to keep their minds fresh.
There is a ton of stuff on Pinterest to help you organize everything and give you ideas to fill in any gaps. My main thing was keeping them happy and productive, but not always in need of my supervision. That way I could have breaks to work on some of the goals I set for myself this summer (plus the super popular cleaning/cooking that is still required).
Once I got the girls' stuff in order, it was time to figure out what I wanted out of this summer.
I would, of course, continue my journey to Donutism. This part was tough, how was I going to workout almost every day AND keep up with my fun theme days? I decided that I could do it all, I just needed to stick to my charts and if all else fails, I can complete a home workout video during nap/quiet time.
I also want to focus on getting my business stuff ready for my launch this fall. That means research all of my recipes, get them perfect, find a logo, make a website and a million other things. It gave me a headache to make this long list, but once it was completed and in front of me I felt a little better. I just need to take one step at a time. Nap/quiet time would serve as a good way to get this stuff done.
My blog and Mother's Group were other areas that needed my attention. Lately, I have felt guilty for not being more active, so those were other things to add to the list. If I can focus on writing/editing 3 times a week, I figured that was better then nothing. Better then I have been doing anyway!
I can't take it all too seriously though. If we miss part of our day because we found something else to keep us busy, its ok. Its all about having a fun, productive summer with my babies and accomplishing some things that are important to me. If my 4 year old doesn't learn to write her whole alphabet this summer, it wont be the end of the world. She will learn it in preschool, but as long as she is inspired to learn, we will try our best.
Family comes first, but I am learning to put my projects at a close second. If I take a little time for me each day, I have learned that I can enjoy my time with the girls more. I feel better and have more energy when I workout and when I write, I feel like my mind is suddenly less full of the "stuff" that can weigh me down emotionally.
They are only little once, I'm going to enjoy every moment of it!
Monday, June 2, 2014
On the Road again - Recovery and Moving Forward
Recovery? What recovery?
Don't forget I still have 3 little girls at home that need their Mama in working order. I will say, it is infinitely more easy to recover from child birth without a newborn needing you constantly.
I had Mr. D on a Thursday, was out of the hospital the next day and on my way back to Wichita by Sunday afternoon. The trip home was uncomfortable, but being home with my little family was the most amazing feeling. We were home for 6 whole weeks! That might not seem like much, but to a family that had traveled every single weekend, it was heaven!
My recovery wasn't all together that interesting, the worst part were my breasts when my milk came in. Believe me, I tried EVERYTHING to stop it, but it came anyway. I tried icing my breasts, cabbage leaves and a bunch of other silly things to help the swelling, but the thing that finally worked was just standing in the shower and manually pumping a little. For a week, my breasts felt like rocks, but eventually they did get better and I wasn't the only one that was relieved, my husband was worried I would hack those suckers off at one point.
Now, its all about finding a bra (and clothes) that fit properly. My body has changed a ton and is still changing. Finding clothes is a constant challenge!
I miss D, but its more then that, I miss N & R just as much. After seeing them every week for the better part of 6 weeks, its hard not to. I miss the little circle we had become and I am sad that I won't be there to witness every new adventure they will encounter. N keeps me up to date though, I get every email, text and picture known to man to keep me involved in their every day lives. We also visit each other frequently and when we do, I get a free pass to hold D as much as I want to and (of course) I want to!
I never really went through the baby blues or postpartum depression like most people thought I would. I never had the "missing my baby" feeling, but I think that was due to that fact that I never felt like D was my baby. He was always N&R's little one and even though I was attached to him, I wasn't too attached that I couldn't say goodbye when the time came.
Plus, I am way too excited to start new adventures of my own.
First off, I am resuming my journey to Donutism. I took that first full week off from working out, but knew in two short weeks from having D I would have a 5k to participate in. I walked it, of course, but still made really good time and it felt good to push myself again.
I try to workout every day during the week and sometimes on the weekends if I have the time. I have noticed, not only physical changes, but also emotional ones. I have more patience with my girls, I don't get depressed nearly as often and I handle my husband's crazy work schedule so much better now. I'm not perfect and don't always get all of my workouts in during the week, but I am able to give myself a little slack and know that the next week I will total rock out again. I don't want to start over again and that keeps me going.
It is amazing to have my body back and I can't wait to see where the rest of the year takes me on this fitness journey. Warrior Up!
I am also working on starting my own business. My husband recently asked me what I wanted to do when I went back to work, what my dream job would be and I couldn't answer him. I was already a mom and that was always what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I needed a new dream and since the Surrogacy journey came to a close, I now had a wide open future. I was free to start the next stage of my life, but where to start? I realized I love to cook, bake and everything in between. When it comes down to it, I just want to feed people. I'm going to start out slow, probably out of my home, but my ultimate goal is to open a bakery/cafe/lunch place someday. While I thought I would wait to get the ball rolling, I keep getting signs that I should start the process now, so I'm taking the summer to prefect my recipes and get everything organized. I hope you will check out The Twisted Biscuit when it launches, Fall 2014.
As always, I am a mom and wife first. I love being able to spoil my family like I did before.
This summer is jam packed, full of adventure and I'm ready for it all!
Don't forget I still have 3 little girls at home that need their Mama in working order. I will say, it is infinitely more easy to recover from child birth without a newborn needing you constantly.
I had Mr. D on a Thursday, was out of the hospital the next day and on my way back to Wichita by Sunday afternoon. The trip home was uncomfortable, but being home with my little family was the most amazing feeling. We were home for 6 whole weeks! That might not seem like much, but to a family that had traveled every single weekend, it was heaven!
My recovery wasn't all together that interesting, the worst part were my breasts when my milk came in. Believe me, I tried EVERYTHING to stop it, but it came anyway. I tried icing my breasts, cabbage leaves and a bunch of other silly things to help the swelling, but the thing that finally worked was just standing in the shower and manually pumping a little. For a week, my breasts felt like rocks, but eventually they did get better and I wasn't the only one that was relieved, my husband was worried I would hack those suckers off at one point.
Now, its all about finding a bra (and clothes) that fit properly. My body has changed a ton and is still changing. Finding clothes is a constant challenge!
I miss D, but its more then that, I miss N & R just as much. After seeing them every week for the better part of 6 weeks, its hard not to. I miss the little circle we had become and I am sad that I won't be there to witness every new adventure they will encounter. N keeps me up to date though, I get every email, text and picture known to man to keep me involved in their every day lives. We also visit each other frequently and when we do, I get a free pass to hold D as much as I want to and (of course) I want to!
I never really went through the baby blues or postpartum depression like most people thought I would. I never had the "missing my baby" feeling, but I think that was due to that fact that I never felt like D was my baby. He was always N&R's little one and even though I was attached to him, I wasn't too attached that I couldn't say goodbye when the time came.
Plus, I am way too excited to start new adventures of my own.
First off, I am resuming my journey to Donutism. I took that first full week off from working out, but knew in two short weeks from having D I would have a 5k to participate in. I walked it, of course, but still made really good time and it felt good to push myself again.
I try to workout every day during the week and sometimes on the weekends if I have the time. I have noticed, not only physical changes, but also emotional ones. I have more patience with my girls, I don't get depressed nearly as often and I handle my husband's crazy work schedule so much better now. I'm not perfect and don't always get all of my workouts in during the week, but I am able to give myself a little slack and know that the next week I will total rock out again. I don't want to start over again and that keeps me going.
It is amazing to have my body back and I can't wait to see where the rest of the year takes me on this fitness journey. Warrior Up!
I am also working on starting my own business. My husband recently asked me what I wanted to do when I went back to work, what my dream job would be and I couldn't answer him. I was already a mom and that was always what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, I needed a new dream and since the Surrogacy journey came to a close, I now had a wide open future. I was free to start the next stage of my life, but where to start? I realized I love to cook, bake and everything in between. When it comes down to it, I just want to feed people. I'm going to start out slow, probably out of my home, but my ultimate goal is to open a bakery/cafe/lunch place someday. While I thought I would wait to get the ball rolling, I keep getting signs that I should start the process now, so I'm taking the summer to prefect my recipes and get everything organized. I hope you will check out The Twisted Biscuit when it launches, Fall 2014.
As always, I am a mom and wife first. I love being able to spoil my family like I did before.
This summer is jam packed, full of adventure and I'm ready for it all!
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