Most days, I feel like a kid trapped in an adults body. I realize now that while I dreamed of growing up and the things I would do, I wasn't ready and most days, I'm still not.
I don't have a time machine, I can't go back, obviously. Nor do I think I really want to. While in my dream state, I have actually built a pretty great life for myself, even if I wasn't ready to live it.
I was scared, so I hid in my shell and put myself in autopilot until I could brave the big, wide world.
Now, the veil has been lifted and I am truly awake for the first time in too long. I'm ready to put myself back in the drivers seat of my own life and not be afraid to face the curves that are ahead.
I turned 28 this past month. Not quite 30, but definitely not 25 either. I realize now that I haven't had the conventional life. I have lived in a topsy turvy world that, until recently, wasn't in the "normal" order of things.
At 17 I felt grown up (boy do I laugh at that person now), agreed to marry a man at 18, moved in with him and had a baby all before turning 21. We never did get married or move forward in our life together. We just kind of sat there, stuck for a long time. Until one day, I realized that this wasn't the life I wanted. It wasn't what my daughter deserved and I needed to get out of that life as quickly as I could. It took me a year, but I did it. I took one step forward, only to move two steps back.
At 22, I took my 1 year old daughter, moved in with my parents and went back to work. During that year I also met my future husband (who I hated at first), went back to school and at 23 got pregnant with my second daughter. From there, K and I moved in together, had our baby, got engaged, found out we were pregnant again, got married, bought a house, had our third baby and moved to another city. All of this was in a 2 year span and the next 3 were almost as crazy. Two steps back and three steps forward again.
I have danced this dance for a long time, but until this year I had never really felt like an adult. Like I was in charge of my own life. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, never mind if it made me happy or not. Miraculously, the decisions I had made did, in fact, make me happy. I have an amazing husband/marriage and three beautiful kids, a family that loves me, a few close friends and a bright future ahead of me.
I did pretty good for being on autopilot for more then half of my 20s, my only regret is that I didn't have the courage to put myself in the driver's seat before. Where would I be with my fitness goals if I had started after the birth of my first child? Would I be in my dream profession already if I had stayed in school and gotten a degree? Who knows, what I do know is that this amazing, imperfect, blessed life that I have built is just going to get more wonderful as the years go on. I will take the wheel and venture down this road with both eyes on the horizon. I will no longer hide from the challenges that await me, because I am strong and I have finally found the best person to be in charge of my life. ME.
It may have taken me 28 years to finally feel like I am in control of my own life, but I'm here.
I'm ready to take charge and I'm (finally) proud of who I have become.
I'm all grown up.
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